Today was a rough day for me. So that brings up the question: Did it go bad *after* I had [mutter, mumble] quite a few m-m's early in the morning? Or did I have them because I was feeling bad?????
I had to work again today -- day 7 on a stretch of 12. Luckily, they will be shorter days, so I can still come home and have time to myself. Sort of. At least sneak in a nap. ;)
And maybe that's a part of being a little testy, on edge .... Well, ok, let's be honest, that's not the whole reason. But that's another thing. When I thought about what needs doing --- well, I cried all the way home. Most days, if I get to crying in the car, its usually soft quiet tears. Today, it was bad enough that I had to pull off the road, I was fearful I wasn't seeing the road properly. That's bad. Worst that's ever happened to me.
I finally had to tell someone I thought of as my best friend that I can't handle it any more. What should have been an easy, short thing became longer. Its really hard saying that to a best friend without talking it out, because we've always talked things out. But I tried to make him understand how much it pains me -- and he started to say "let me tell you how it goes..." and fuck! no. don't. please don't. I can't bear it. It hurts too much to even say "sleep well" .. knowing. assuming. imagining. I don't feel as if we parted enemies. We've had too many good years for that to happen. But things will be easier this way. In the long run.
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