Too many thoughts

Can't sleep.  I've had so many thoughts in my head.  And also have noticed that I blog a lot more when that happens.  I have all these things inside that never get shared.  His words took away my best friend.  And now I'm feeling lost.

Sometimes I feel selfish for telling him that I loved him, upsetting his world.  It wasn't something he wanted, and I knew that.   I think I knew in my heart all along that it was a one way street for me, that love couldn't be reciprocated.  And maybe that's what it was all about for me.  He was safe; it was safe for me to love him.

I don't know the details of his real life situation.  I keep holding on to the thought of trying to find the man I fell in love with within the man I can only have as a friend.  And I'm not being very successful so far.

My advice to my friend is for him to escape what makes him unhappy, but I can see selfish reasons within my advice.  So I guess my best advice is advice from my fav movie, Bridges:  Go and do what you must to be happy.  (I need to take this advice as well...)

Once he sent me a package, and didn't include a note, or the flannel shirt we talked about - and from that, I think I knew that what I wanted would never be.  Of course, a package from him was never about the thing being sent --- its all about the little things.  Those are what matter to me.  Like in the song "Hold On" -- its the dimestore watch and a ring made from a spoon.

Then again, I have moments where I can flip flop over to the other side of thinking:  its all a ruse; the lies and omissions were just things that kept my hopes alive.  That I was just his entertainment on some boring evening when he had nothing else to do.  These are the thoughts I hate more than anything.  Which makes me wonder:  Did I know this man at all??   Or worse: Didn't I learn from from my past???  How many times do I have to do this?

As you can see, the late night / early morning hours bring up the ugly side of thoughts.  It takes effort to remember that he and I share such similar viewpoints on things, that we can talk for hours about things and never run out of stuff to say.  But the dark side says that's pathetic, you made yourself vulnerable again to someone who never planned on reciprocating.

Time for some shuteye -
vacation looms just around the corner
and I'm ready for some down time
with family, people who love me.