Mind Games

Do you ever play silly mind games with yourself??  I do.  It might sound weird, but sometimes I'm the queen of weird.

Years ago when I was doing a lot of time at the gym, if I reached a specific goal that day AND stayed under 1400 calories, I could have a half cup of Cherry Cordial ice cream.  Or, in order to have a Diet Coke, I have to drink a bottle of water first.  (I still do this one)

Sometimes, around the house, there are all these little projects that need to get done.  A letter to be mailed, something put away that goes in a different room, just random things that are quite easily ignored.  

So I decided that it was time to tackle these pesky things. My mind game was if I touched it, I had to deal with it right then.  

It makes the day go quick, and those little things all get done. Makes for an odd "to do" list, but some pictures and a basket were hung.  Did I finish them all? Nope, but something is better than nothing. 

And as usual .... my plan was derailed midday as I had to tackle stuff for mom. There's a bit of resentment residue because I'm having to jump through hoops to help sell her house. In this digital age, mom didn't get it. Places sent her receipts for repairs via email, and she didn't keep them.  When she first bought her house and was handling repairs, I didn't follow up on things. I thought she knew.  But as I look back, I can she was struggling before she moved here, but masked it very well.

This type of stuff is what causes resentment to build. It's implied that because I live near mom, its up to me to handle her shit. And while the handling started slow, it got to the point where I am handling everything.  And often at my own expense.  Like driving. Sure, a tank of gas covers that portion of the expense, but what about wear and tear, or the tires I had to purchase?  

I've had all those conversations in my head. "Its little things, she's my mother, I have nothing better to do."  But as I am the one doing, my brother goes on vacations to Hawaii, camping in Cali, you get the picture.  Easy for resentment to build.

I have created safe zones, and days, where I don't allow those things to interrupt my days off from "mom stuff".  But it does interrupt. My own plans get derailed and I'm back in the throes putting mom's needs above my own.  So, yes, resentment builds. 

And now its off to dig up more papers and make more calls!!!  It's not something I can change, so I just do it. Then move on.