Recovery Day

So many memories pop up from time to time now that I'm looking at things through different eyes. 

Today I was reading a book (like always!) and a daughter was caring for her mom after a trauma. And it was a vivid memory that popped into my head.

My sister had no problem staying over at mom's and sleeping together in mom's bed. It was a four bedroom house, and all of us kids had left home. And I shuddered.  A few years back, at a destination wedding, I was forced to share a room with two twin beds with my mom. And it was more than I could endure. 

I know that my boundaries are normal, but mom has a way of asking things that make me feel as if *I* am the one who's lacking. Or maybe that's an old childhood feeling still stuck in my head. Or the way its always been.

I spent much of the day feeling as if I was recovering. I'm tired and feeling chilly, but its my emotional bandwidth that keeps struggling to keep up with my logic.

I was always the odd man out in our family. I was made to feel that my disruptiveness was a sign of me doing something wrong.

I'm still learning to navigate the emotions that have led me to realize it wasn't me. I know I'll get there one day, here's hoping its sooner rather than later.