That's Fine, But ....

Life has a funny way of kicking ass.  For me, its been a recent change in blood pressure meds. I've been taking them 4 days and they say it takes a week or two before leveling off. For me, that means feeling lightheaded and slightly dizzy for two hours after I take the meds in the morning.  Another week or so and it should pass.  *fingers crossed*

I've done a lot of soul searching and rummaging through memories of my childhood to come to terms with how I was brought up, what the reality was.  I can't change how things were.  And since mom is the same as always, things now aren't about to change either. 

I can tell myself that Mom did her best raising us kids, and maybe she did. But there was always something missing.  I think I made the connection yesterday. 

We were watching Dancing With the Stars and no matter how beautiful the clothes, or how lovely the dance was, there was criticism. It was always couched in a nice way, like "they should have worn a different color", "those shoes aren't quite right" or "the dance would have been better if ..."  

I made the connection there so clearly. There was never approval with the way things were, but always a comeback with how things could have been better.  No matter how hard we tried as kids to do something right, there was always a remark as to how it could have been better.

We just weren't good enough in her eyes.

And being raised in the church, I know forgiveness should be at the top of the list, but I can't quite forgive her fully. Because the behavior hasn't stopped, won't stop. She's not my safe place or confidant. Anything I tell her is repeated to whoever will listen. A nurse at her facility asked me how my kidney is doing.  Um, hello, mom's telling my health business to strangers?  *eyeroll*

I know that as she ages, her mind loses filters and self control. Which is why I keep her on an information diet. I just can't tell her things.  I know she would like it if I could, but there's no positive feedback. If I tell her about my granddaughter, I get a litany of how she should be doing things differently. I already struggle, I dont need more to struggle with.

Its difficult to have a two hour visit and not be able to talk about things.  Thank goodness there's tv!!

Summed up childhood list:

That was my baseline as a kid. I outgrew it when I moved away. Now that she's living near me, it was too easy to slip back into old patterns. I work on it every day. I have to.