I share pieces of myself and the posts generate hits but doesnt seem to reach anyone. But then again, sometimes others reach me with their posts and I don't let them know, at the least, or reach out, at the most.
I am just struggling to get back to the real me, the me I liked. And maybe that won't happen and I need to find another new me.
I just don't want to be the me I am right now, trapped in this space of waiting for the next shoe to drop. And worse, knowing that it could be this way for many, many years.
Maybe that's the biggest fear of all. Trapped in this suspended animation point in life, caring for a mom who wants what I can't give. I can't and won't build a real relationship with my mom. There wasn't one growing up.
It was difficult discovering after a hug that my body shivered in revulsion afterward. And difficult to come to the understanding that it wasn't something wrong with me, but something wrong so many years ago. The behaviors that put that shudder in place aren't gone, or changed, or even acknowledged. I am still forced to deal with them, to be vigilant with what I share in order to protect my peace.
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