Walk in my Shoes

I didn't recognize it for what it was

But I knew something wasn't right.

I was better once I moved away

But I had no idea all I did was bury it.

And now it has come full circle. 

I am dealing with so much. And everyone else is  .... glad they're not having to do it? ... that they just on with their lives and forget the niceties:  does Grandma need anything? How are you doing? 

It reminds me of a song by the Wreckers:

I am slowly falling apart, I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start. And you might  think its easy being me, you just stand still look pretty. 

Because of circumstances, my phone is always DND. Take today, its a mom visit day, I'm going to arrive in 90 minutes but she's busy texting me about this that and the other. Twice.  So I already know before I even get there she's going to be hyped up although I don't know the reason behind it. She asked for me to shop for pants for her so I did. I brought her four pants and one top and a bra.  And yet the first thing she said was "you didn't bring any toilet paper?"   I brought her 18 rolls 10 days ago. 

Now that its nice, I take her outside and we sit and color. But when she's hyper, her mouth never stops. We go back in and even though the TV is running, she still doesn't stop talking.  I believe this happens when she realizes that I am not telling her things. So she starts babbling to see if I will talk. Just another thing in her bag of tricks. 

The truth is what's difficult for me. From the outside our family was Ozzy and Harriet. They provided food, shelter, the usual things, but there was no emotional support. (I've mentioned this before). 

Its hard to draw a fine line of still appearing to be there, to show care, without giving what you never received. 

I knew something wasn't right

I moved away and escaped for a time

Now I tell myself I have adult answers and I can let go.

But it's very difficult to let go of someone who's still playing the same old games.

Mom keeps people compartmentalized. No one sees the same side of her. She did that to us kids. And the grandkids don't see that at all. She does the same with doctors and staff at her facility. Different MO for different people. 

I am slowly falling apart. 

She's 88, her father lived to be 104. I could realistically be doing this for another 10 years. 

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start.