Pseudo Mondays

Today was my Monday.  I was away from work for five days, and of course, whenever you go back to work after time off, there is always a pile of things that didn't get handled at all, and another for those that were handled incorrectly.  When there's that much to do, you just jump in, get it done, and move on to the next task.  This being the last day of the month, and the last day of our quarter as well, I considered asking if management wanted me to stay and get some more credits processed.  That thought, however, was very very very brief!!!  I rarely call in sick, but I did on Monday so that I could stay an extra day with my folks.

It was a good vacation. :)  always nice to spend time with family, even if you don't do anything but enjoy each others' company.  Dad's arthritis is bad in his back, makes walking difficult.  Which means getting out and doing something as a family isn't like it used to be.  One of the things I wanted to do while I was visiting California was head out to the beach.  But the folks never go and do that.  So my choices were stay at home with them, or go off on my own.  And since I was there to see them..... its obvious what my choice was!!

I didn't take nearly the number of pictures I usually do.  I should have started a list of the things I intended to get pix of.  One of them on my wish list was a picture of the four hands of us girls.  My mother, me, my daughter and my granddaughter.  (Of course, now that I think about it, I wish I'd been doing that every time we were together!!)  To me, hands tell a lot, they tell a tale.  The study of the shape of hands and fingers is called chirognnomy. And I have always been fascinated by hands.  Maybe writing this down will help me remember. :) 

My Granddaughter

A note found in the car, written by my nine year old granddaughter:


Why my mommy is the best
because she bought 2 dogs and a tv and new tv in my room,
let me have sleepovers with my friends.
and she is letting me go to Phoenix then CA to see my
grandma and grandpa.

The 2 things I hate the most is that it takes 12 hours to get there
and the stinky cows.
the stinky cows most of all.
I thank my mom for buying my clothes, my 2 dogs and my family.
and most of all my smile.


I have to admit that despite our un-perfectnesses...  I have a wonderful family.  Compared to some of the stories I have heard about friends and their own families, I am a very lucky person.  I wish everyone could be as lucky as me.

I am... a Country Gal

There is nothing so moving as music, especially country music, when your heart is hurting.  It's so easy to identify with the lyrics of a hundred different songs.  The song that started the tears at the concert as I listened, swayed and applauded was sung by Easton Corbin.

I could write a thousand letters
Call a hundred times a day
Or try to drown my sorrow at the bar
I could go down to the church
Get on my knees and pray
But it still won't change the way things really are
Won't bring you back again

I can love you for all I'm worth
To the ends of the earth
But I just can't love you back

While the song speaks more about a woman who left her man,

to me the song is more about how: 

you can't go back, 

you can't undo, 

you can't change what's happened in the past, 

no matter how much you love someone.

And I realized that at heart, I am  country gal, through and through. 

Good Times!

Cherry Jello Shots.
White Wine.
Snacks.
Smoked Chicken.
Corn on the Cob.
Good company.
Family.
Sunshine and swimming pool.
Pups.
Vacation.
Ahhhhh.
Good Times!!

I am so blessed with good family.
I hope all of you are having a great Sunday :)

Ahhh, Family

There's something about going home -- yes, at my age, I have my own home, but there's something about going home to family.  Lucky me, myparents still live in the house I grew up in.  We moved into it in 1966.  And now, 46 years later, its still home.  Not everyone is as lucky as I am, to be able to return to the home I know, where all my memories are still alive, where we still gather as a family to share good times, good food, and make more memories.  It's hard to imagine after this long that there will be a time when it isn't possible to come home to this place, these memories.  I know that time is in my future, but I try not to think about it. 

If you haven't made any family memories lately -- do it!  You'll feel better for it! I know I do!

Brad and Company

 The Band Perry

Brad Paisley

My sister,

my daughter

and me!

Shoreline Amphitheater

Mt View, CA

July 27, 2012

Concert

12:18am, and I am just home from a concert.  My sister had VIP tickets for all of us, what a great surprise!!!  It was Easton Corbin, The Band Perry and Brad Paisley.  My ears are ringing, I've had two beers --- 24 ouncers! and wow.  What a concert.  The Band Perry rocked the place. Brad Paisley is an awesome performer.  I saw him way back when it was his Mud on the Tires tour.  He sure knows how to work a crowd :)

But The Band Perry.  What can I say.  They were terrific, they are new on the scene and their music is great!!  They played their own songs, but imagine if you will a country band who can rock out Queen's "Fat Bottom Girl"..... I stood applauding, whooping, and hollering because they moved me. 

But they also made me cry.  and cry again.  They sing songs like "I just wanna be the only girl you love all your life."  and "I'm Quitting You".... Well, you get the idea.  I just ached with what isn't, what won't be, for the loss of my hopes and dreams.  Because I imagined, I believed, that some day I would be sharing my family with him.  And now I know that I won't.  It's a private ache, private tears, as my family knows nothing - and I'd rather not try and explain it.  You, readers, are the ones who have been privy to these pains and tears. 

I'd best close for now, pix tomorrow after I wake up.

Surprise Visit!

After a bit of back and forth, yes, no, maybe so... oh, lets just do it! we decided.  And hopped in the car, heading to California!  Me, my "girls" and the new puppy, Sadie.  So here we are in my home town.  Wow, some say, long drive for a short weekend visit, but that's Ok.  It's so good to be home, to see family.  (and to do a little 'healing')


When I talked to my sister, she said "come up, we'll go to the concert... "  Seems she had a few extra tickets -- so here it is Friday afternoon, and we're firing up the barbecue, and getting ready to head out to see Brad Paisley, the Band Perry and Easton Corbin. Yay! Should be a whole lotta fun!

Spent the day relaxing at my sister's, swimming and visiting and relaxing.  Not lot of photography either, just some good times, and swapping memories.

More updates later!
Happy Friday, welcome to the weekend!!!!

Sadie

My granddaughter has the cutest puppy!!!

Brianna and Sadie

Everything?

"thank you for everything" ---- I have a question -- what does this phrase mean to you?  and is it something you say to someone you've had a relationship with?  or having a relationship with?   about a year after I ended things with my ex (#2 if you're keeping score), he was moving out of state, and asked me to come over, see if there was anything I wanted before he gave it all away to Goodwill.  A few things I could use, but the rest-- didn't need the sentimental reminders, you know?  When we parted ways, that was what he said to me ....... "thank you for everything".   And I've always resented him saying that....  our marriage was destroyed because he cheated and lied... and he's thanking me for what "everything" exactly?  eh, it was water under the bridge, and shouldn't matter.  Except the man I thought I was in a relationship with said that to me yesterday.   And I cried.

(With my "screen free" ideal..... I forgot that there are a few hours of the day where screen time won't interfere with anything.... my girls sleep late!!  Of course, I was awake at 6am, and twiddling my thumbs, not wanting to wake them up.)

Confessions

OK... Confession Time!  It was my plan to go screen free, but after this week's debacle with the modem ....  I confess I logged on, peeked at my emails, and had one quick chat.  About 30 mins of screen time, including this blog :)

But that's my limit!  G'nite y'all !!!

Get Unplugged!

According to a 2005 survey, most Americans—including children—spend at least nine hours a day watching TV, surfing the web, or talking on their cell phones. Of those hours, one-third of the time is spent using two or more of those media at once.   That sounds like too much to me.

I'll be honest, I spend about 3 hours a day on the computer, on the internet. I am not a TV junkie, but its still on about 2 hours a day - for morning news while I'm getting ready for work, and some kind of TV the last hour of my day as I try and wind down.  Granted, its usually a DVD of my own choosing, and not something full of ads and hype.  But its still screen time.

Are we withdrawing from the world?  When did it become simpler to dash off a text or an email, and avoid those uncomfortable face to face conversations?  On the other hand, in doing so, just how much are we missing?????  The internet is a great way to gain information -- but is that information more important than the relationships in our lives??

I missed "Screen Free Week" in the beginning of May, but that doesn't mean I can't do it on my own.  I have the perfect reasons, the perfect opportunity, coming up.  I'll be having a weekend with "my girls" - my daughter and granddaughter.  And nothing replaces those hours that I'll spend with them -- I don't want to waste it on screen time.  I'll just have to do things differently.  I know that my healthy regimen program requires that I log my foods and my exercise at sparkpeople.com.  I will just have to keep meticulous notes and catch up next week.

I challenge you to try this experiment: 

Shut down your computer, 

turn off your cell phone, 

unplug your iPod, 

hide your Blackberry, 

and click off the television. 

Ahhhhh.  Silence.

Then, pick up a book. Read for an hour. 

When you’re done, pull out a sheet of paper and write a letter. 

And then, go for a walk outside.

It's time to get back to the basics.

Believe it or not, when you come back to the screen, Facebook and your emails will still be there; TV ads and programs will not have changed; there will still be internet news to read, blogs to write.  Life will be back to normal.  Make sure you consider what you have gained in just a few short days.  There's a real world that gets forgotten in our busy quest for what we think is "real life."

This Gal says Try it -- you might like it!

It's a tool !

Ok, I was going to do a long rant about my job and how much stress there is from this BigBox store.... but its not worth the time or the effort.  Suffice it to say it sucks, and that there are better things in life than making your job an important piece of your life.  It should be more like a tool that enables you to do better, greater, creative, or fun things with family and friends.   

On that note, YES! my internet is back, and I'm loving it.  I felt so out of touch, even though I could stop in a MickyD's, a Starbucks, or the local library for a quick chit chat or post.  But it is not the same as my desktop.  Maybe I need to do some reconfiguring on my laptop so it more closely resembles how things function.  A process, but one to work on over time. 

Not sure I'll be posting much over the weekend, gonna spend some quality time with family.

Hope ya'll have a great weekend yourself!

Determination

Determination

tired & gritty
red & swollen
her eyes little more
than slits
in a face
ravaged by
time & hardships.

Never one to quit,
she gets up each morning
before the break of dawn
to go about her tasks--
things she'd rather not
be doing -- but must.

Her mind wanders
to another
place & time
full of
promises & life.

Covering another sigh
she diverts her attention
to the tasks at hand.
again.
and goes on.

©LDPoetry, 2012

Libraries

Libraries have changed with the times.  In the "old days" when I was a kid, all there was at the library was books, and a librarian.  Now, you can check out DVDs, Audio Books, even electronic books for your Kindle type reader, and oh yes, they still have books too.

The one thing that hasn't changed is that your local library is still a very good gathering place for folks.  With free wi-fi or their in-house computeers, you can get online, get information, and even visit with neighbors and friends. While there is still a hushed feeling in a library, it is no longer a place where librarians are saying "shhhhhhhhhhhhh" all the time. 

Library buildings themselves have changed over the years as well.  As I sit here on my laptop, connected to the free wi-fi, this is the view out the huge must be 20 foot high picture window.


Since most of the shot is of the sky from my vantage point, those trees are surrounding a pond, with ducks, water fowl, turtles and even fish in there.  Part of Riparian Preserve, the pond is a popular spot for walkers, fishermen (and women!) and most others who enjoy nature as well.  This is what I call a beautiful oasis in the middle of a desert :)

Called my DSL company, ordered a new modem... $100. ugh.  but no choices.  Unless I intend to give up the internet for good.   uh. I don't think so :)  It should be here Wednesday.

In the meantime, has anyone else tried going "screen free" at all?? Did you go stir crazy?  Or was it bearable after you got used to it?  Drop me a note or comment!  I'm considering doing this by choice for a long weekend and I want to be prepared!

Curve Balls

Without internet, I had time to
peruse some old files on my laptop
(This definitely fits the last few days)::::

when confusion abounds,
 

and life throws you
 

c u r v e   b a l l s
 

making things
 

 happen takes
 

time
 

effort

determination

and a strong will.

some days, i just don't

have that strength within

me to make it happen.

maybe tomorrow.

@LDPoetry, 2012

Wishes

I'm sitting here in the library,
and thinking over the weirdness
of the past few days,
and the thought that comes to me is

"Be careful what you wish for"

It was my wish for some alone time ....
and I'm getting it in spades!
Not only is my son out of town,
my internet went down as well.
Time at home is definitely
Just.
Me.

The timing is so unbelievable.... 
I can only laugh about it :)

Fried Modems

When I finally got word he'd taken off .... I was relieved.  And opted for some more photography work.  I was outdoors playing with settings and focus issues -- and cooling off in the hose as well! -- when I noticed some dark stuff in the sky, and assumed it was black smoke from a fire.  When I looked harder at it, and moved away from the house, I could see it was a very large dust storm.   When they roll into the valley, its literally a wall of dust that rolls in.  Very hard to believe or understand if you've never been in one.  Visibility becomes very bad, most people in cars find a place to pull over and wait it out.  About 20 minutes is all it usually takes.

This one was the worst I've been in, however.  When I noticed the wall heading my way, I snapped off a few pictures.  I still couldn't even feel a breeze; the air was so still that I knew it was the calm before the storm.  As soon as I felt the first gust, grit and dust flew at me, into my eyes, and I ducked into the house.  Fast.  As I looked out the window, I watched as it literally turned black outside, then red.  (I'm assuming it was the red dust from the mountains that caused a lot of that.)   And me, I love a good storm, so I'm not usually freaked out by storms, but this one was a doozy.  I peeked open my front door when I noticed that everything looked red out side, and stuck my hand with camera in it out the door and snapped another picture.  In true camera fashion, it tried to color correct, but you can still see the air is quite foggy with dust looking at the houses across the street.  What an amazing, powerful storm.

After the dust come the thunderstorms.  Huge black clouds, cloud to cloud lightning, then it begins to rain.  At first it feels like its raining a kind of mud as the drops mix with the dirty dust laden air.  But after the first burst of rain, the next wave is clean and cool.  And yes, I danced in the rain :)  It felt wonderful!!

After watching the rain for a half hour, I came in to check the pictures I got - sat down at my computer and then WHAM!  A lightning streak so close to the house, things were shaking, my smoke detectors sent out a short shrill cry and I was like WHOA, WTF??  First thing I did was walk the house, making sure it didn't actually hit the house, several house fires start that way around here.  Everything looked in order, the TV, computer and netbook all were working, along with the fridge, microwave and lights.  Only thing that got knocked out was the internet.  Talk about being forced to be "screen free" for a while!!

at 10pm, the internet still isn't back.  I plugged in a phone, and have a dial tone, so it's not that part.  Nothing registers on my router, so I'm guessing that might have took a dive?  Power light comes on, however.   I was tempted to hop in the car and take a drive around, to see any damage that might have been done.  But it's not a wise idea to go out and get caught up in the storms, or be caught on the wrong side of a flash flood. 

This has been one helluva weekend for me.  I spent the rest of the evening quietly reading a book, relaxing in my chair .... basically doing what I would be doing if my son were home with me. ......  so much for some alone time :)


Addedum:  It is noon, Sunday, and I am sitting at a Starbuck's to update this for the time being.  After calling CenturyLink to see about my modem, the tech tells me my modem is fried, and I need another.  He suggests going to Best Buy and getting an ActionTec brand.  Which I did as soon as they opened.  I brought it home, plugged it all in, and nope, no internet.  Called CenturyLink back, and they tell me with my technology the ONLY modem I can use is their Q1000.  Of course, there are no stores available, I have to purchase one from the business office M-F, 8-5.   UGH.   If I can sneak off to find free wireless, I'll give you updates.  Until then, I am Screen Free!

Waiting and Waiting

On Friday, my son was supposed to fly out to see his grandparents.  When the flight was first delayed, then cancelled, and rescheduled for the next day, I was surely disappointed in a selfish way -- wanting my scheduled time to myself. 
Here's how it went:

taking my son to the airport
check in, flight delayed 3 hours
head back home and ... wait.
back to the airport... flight cancelled
head back home and ... wait.

Flight rescheduled for Sat at 1:45pm

Taking my son to the airport
get checked in
and of course they say
"everything's on schedule"

Plane boarded
Ahhh, my sigh of relief

New Text @145
Flight delayed 30 minutes
broken door handle.

New Text @240
Still waitin'

New Text @317
Ohh God we're switchin' planes

New Text @339
They're putting us back on the same damn plane!

They finally departed at 4:15.....

Who could make this stuff up?? *chuckles*
That was my entire day...
wait, wait, wait, wait

"Experience has taught me this, 

that we undo ourselves by impatience.  

~Michel de Montaigne

Which means I spent a huge portion of my day just waiting around.
I did happen to spend a little bit of it working on my photography, and getting to know the area where the airport is.  So I'm trying to call it even-steven, that I traded alone time for photography time. And that's ok :)

Life's Disappointments

About a month ago, I decided that I would buy my son an airline ticket to go see his grandparents.  It's a short flight, no changing planes, just  a simple transaction.  Ahh and a much needed weekend to myself.

As a single parent of special needs kids, there are times when you just need a break.  I raised two special needs kids, and my son still lives with me.  He just turned 26, he's visually impaired, and doesn't drive.  Which makes him a little dependent on my driving him places in a town that depends on having a set of wheels to get around.  I could send him to his father's, but frankly, he dislikes going to see his Dad, which is only a $40 bus ride away.

The bottom line is, I never get a break, time alone, in my house.  To do what I want on my own time.  I chose the date to send him away, so I could take vacation time from work, and enjoy myself.  I drove him to the airport tonight, and found out at the ticket counter his flight was delayed by 3 hours.  So we trekked back home, only to return two hours later.  Dropped him at the security gate, and waited a few minutes.  His text said he got through security, and was waiting at his gate.  I headed home.  Only to get another text, his flight was cancelled.  So, back to the airport I went to get him.  Talk about frustrating.  His flight was rescheduled for tomorrow at 145pm.  So I'm losing an entire 14 hours of my "alone time".  And while I suppose in the long run it doesn't really matter, it does.

So just a little bit down this evening.

Raw

laid down to take a nap
eyes drifted closed
the Highwaymen on the stereo

but I can't sleep
I only doze or rest
but no real sleep
there is a burning in
the pit of my stomach.

I keep busy so I don't
feel the pain
or acknowledge what I'm feeling.

A good friend and counselor advised
something new every day.
break the pattern.
change your habits.

But does that really change anything?

i believed you
i believed in you
i believed in your love
i believed in your dreams
i believed in a future
And you let me.
knowing it wasn't real

i think that's what hurts the most

Being Vulnerable

“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. 

You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, 

and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-

you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest 

and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike,

 it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out.” 

~Sherrilyn Kenyon

“What happens when people open their hearts?"...

"They get better.” 

~Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Opening yourself to someone else makes you feel vulnerable.

Letting yourself be vulnerable to someone 

else can hurt.  But you can't truly love 

someone if you don't.

I'd rather take a chance on being open, 

and being hurt,

than closing myself off 

and not loving at all. 

I think the word 'vulnerable' has gotten a bad rep, as if its a sign of weakness.  When in fact its more about showing the most private pieces of yourself, and that doesn't make you weak.   It's about harnessing the necessary strength to be open and authentic. 

I've recently made some discoveries about myself.  With most people, I smile and say those little things that everyone else says, what I call breezy small talk.  Its a very rare moment for me when I go beyond that, open myself up and say whatever.  I know that its a self protection mechanism.  And I know I have to let go of it, to be willing to open myself up a little more.  Every day I try a little more, smile at strangers - not the I'm at work, how can I help you smile - the genuine one that says "Hi, I'm worth getting to know."

A little progress.  Every Day.

 

Kitchen Update

Finished off the upper cabinets,
I'm really pleased with the color,
and loving the trim !
(sorry, the picture got kind of dark)











Its hard to get a camera to get a picture of a true color.  But you can see by this one that the lower cabinets are much darker than the original color.


Worked extra hard today to get the lower cabinets done as well.  Insides are painted, doors are sanded, just need to get the hinges stripped, and coat the doors and rehang them.

But what I really like a lot is this shelf...
an eye popping red to match the trim
this extends just beyond the kitchen.

It sure shows off my antique kitchen
gadgets well! 

If you're thinking of painting --
don't be afraid of color!
Be Bold!

Treasures & Trinkets

Have you ever been cleaning out a drawer, a box, a closet, and come across treasures from long ago?  What makes something a treasure?  Why do we hang on to trinkets?

With all the little upgrades and touches I've been doing here, I found I needed to put some plastic glides on the bottom of my "hope chest" because it was scratching my tile floors whenever it shifted or got bumped.  Which meant turning it on its side.  Which meant taking some of the smaller, breakable things out of the top shelf.  And when it was time to put things back, my son delighted in looking through all the treasures!  There are three $1 bills -- and I can't recall why they were tucked away in there.  Was it because the serial number made for a good poker hand?  (One of those things I used to do with the mechanics I hung out with while working at Clarklift of San Jose)  Or because it was some "silver series"?  I can't recall.

There are a few silver coins and a liberty coin.  A few papers of historical stuff - a memo from my job that cites a raise I received back in the early 80s.  A note and drawing from my niece to my daughter when they were young girls.  the receipt for my wedding dress, which I no longer have.  A couple of doilies made by my grandmother.  A couple of hand made book marks.  Several different old credit cards.  He laughed at the designs and sizes of many.  And wondered why there weren't magnetic strips on the back of some?  How many of you remember the days when a credit card was laid down in a machine, and a roller passed over the top.  Credit cards had raised numbers to the numbers would imprint on sheets of non-carbon paper so that accounts could be charged the correct amount.  Now there's history for you!

Also, a small jewelry box full of old memories as well.  Ok.  Now here's something that will make you go Hmmmmmmm.  Back in the early 80s, I collected gold charms (think charm bracelets).  Only I wore them on a necklace.  You'll see it started with my "class of 77" number (probably from my tassel).  There's a teddy bear and a #1.  Then there's the cowboy boot, the cowboy hat and a cactus.  A cactus?  I lived in California.  We never grew a cactus.  How odd is it that I end up living in Arizona, and grow cactuses myself now???

Among the other treasures in my jewelry box, a couple of road runner pins, the first cross necklace from my parents (I was probably about 7 or 8 when I got it?), a mustard seed necklace from my cousin Jerry, and some oddball rings with no particular meaning, other than one is red like a ruby, one is turquoise.  and they're all adjustable.  That must have been the in thing!  hehehee  Two charm bracelets, one gold 10 commandments I earned when I was 10, for memorizing them.  One in silver, with my graduation charms.  (That must have been a big deal in the 70s.)  My Cinderella watch, missing the pink leather band.  And a pendant of Leo the Lion.  My dad's company produced them, with a battery inside that fired off a blinking red light.  And another ring, a really pretty jade ring that I remember gazing at in a Cost Plus Import store on a shopping trip with my parents and my aunt and uncle.  Uncle Jim saw me gazing at that ring, and bought it for me.  I remember being so thrilled!  I was about 12 or 13 at the time.

Treasures and trinkets represent moments in time.  And one look at an item can bring back so many memories.  Hopefully good ones :)  I think that's why we hold on to our things.  It's a way of holding on to memories.  And maybe some day our kids or grandkids will want to know what it was like when we were kids ourselves.  I've had that desire to know about my own grandparents in that way.   Which could a completely different blog!  ;)

A Day Off

Didn't sleep well last night; I think I'm feeling the effects of overworking myself yesterday at the gym.  Felt better after I chugged a Powerade and replaced some electrolytes.  Am hoping its that, and not some kind of flu bug.

Checked in with my iChing this morning. "Not acknowledging one's desire. Going on with this makes things not go well. This can keep going on for years, and it's really of no use."   Years?  of no use?  I know this, I know better, and I'm worth so much more than waiting years.

Personal: Now is a good time to clear out all that is not worthy from your life.

General: Valuing beauty will enable you to cultivate your taste for harmony in all aspects of your life.

Love: Beauty is only skin deep - do not be taken in by superficial appearances. Look beneath the surface to see a person's true character. 

Maybe this will be a good day to work on things, clearing clutter in my mind, and in my house.   A day off work is SO good for that :)  

All Wrong

2:30 am and I'm awake.  Maybe I pushed too hard yesterday; I had to take some aspirin for the aches and pains. and the headache.  I woke up from having a bad dream.  Something about a college, my brother knowing the direction.  He needed to pick me up, as there was an earthquake or something.  Several men were on really tall ladders trimming palm trees.  When the ladders tipped, they fell to their deaths.  (ugh, I really hate dreams like that) I recall waiting for my brother, walking around some fountain or statue or fountain with a statue.  And needing to use the rest room.  Who can ever figure these crazy dreams out?  When I woke up, yep, I dashed into the bathroom.  What part is the real and what part is fantasy? or something from our subconscious?  crazy dreams!

I sure could use a quick massage right now.... I really miss having someone sharing life.  someone who's there for me, and someone I can be there for.  Amd maybe I wanted that kind of closeness so much that I imagined I had that - on an intellectual and emotional level even though it wasn't on the physical level.  Maybe my mind let me believe in things that weren't real because of that.  Maybe that's why I allowed the little warning signals, the sense of something not adding up -- because I wanted the other part so badly.  Or maybe I was brought up to believe that people are like my parents:  they would never lie, or do anything to hurt the other.  What they have between them is amazing, and I have always wanted that for myself.  

Sometimes I look back and I know they said I was too young when I married the first time.  Turns out years later, they weren't so keen on my choice.  Isn't it funny what you learn years later?  My second was more suited to me - he was smart, a hard worker, and always on the go.  Never knew the true reason it began falling apart, never got any real answers.  When I found out he cheated, and lied about it, even after I knew that I knew that I knew, I stayed with him for nine months, trying to work on it.  But it takes two to work on it, and we never got past the entire affair thing.  Turns out while I thought we were working on it, he flew a woman out from the east coast and took her on a week long trip up the calif coast.   

I discovered it while he was gone - I needed to get something from his work vehicle, and found his briefcase unlocked.  Inside, a woman's bra, a picture and a note.  I was livid.  But only because I'd wasted nine months of "working on it" when obviously he had no intentions of doing that!  I chuckle now at the memory.  I guess he expected he'd covered his tracks pretty well and assumed I would keep the household running while he was gone on this trip to pickup up  few things from his aunt, after his father and grandmother had died three months earlier.  But, surprise surprise, I didn't grocery shop, I didn't do his laundry, I didn't clean the house.  Instead what I did was move a mattress into the dining room, and my things out of the bedroom we shared.  The way the house was laid out, there was a door between the kitchen and dining room, and the staircase to upstairs was off the kitchen.  So it was possible to close off "his half" of the house and have a little privacy away from him.  When he arrived home late and hungry on a Sunday night, he wasn't happy about having nothing to eat, no dinner cooked, and no laundry done - and he had work the next day.  I could hear him muttering to himself as he tromped up and down the stairs to do laundry well past midnight.  And by that point, I didn't care.  Why should I ?  He lied, he cheated and still expected me to do what I refer to as wifely chores?  Bah!  I was moved out in less than 30 days.

Yeah, that's a shortened version of the entire fiasco, but maybe I need to take a lesson from that.  Maybe I trust people (men) too much?  But do I want to be the other way ??  A person who is so non-trusting that you can't ever get close to a person?  I've been that a time or two.  After you've been hurt by someone you thought you loved, you thought loved you, its natural to close off your heart, to not let yourself be vulnerable, to ever be hurt again.  But closing yourself off also means that you don't get the joys of sharing with another, of having laughs and good conversation.

And maybe that's why after almost eight years, I let myself believe it was possible again, let myself believe in someone, believe in that spark of something when you let your guard down, become vulnerable, share your self, your interests, your thoughts and feelings.  And maybe I wanted that so much that I let myself believe that for me he was right. beautiful. honest. loving. committed.

I hate being wrong.

Weigh In Weds

In the past week, I've kicked up my time at the gym just a bit.  An hour on the treadmill on Saturday and Tuesday, an hour on the elliptical machine today, and lots of weight machines ... and it paid off. I was down another two pounds.  I hate being 'stuck' on a plateau, so that's when you have to bump the workout up a notch, either by the amount of time, or adding weight.   I have to admit, I was thrilled when I hopped on the scale and saw the progress! 

Just a couple of humorous quotes about dieting: 

"The biggest seller is cookbooks 

and the second is diet books—

how not to eat what you've just 

learned how to cook."  

~Andy Rooney

"The second day of a diet

 is always easier than the first. 

By the second day you're off it."

~Jackie Gleason

Choose Wisely

Every now and then I check in with iChing and see what it has to say for me.  Here was a portion of today's:

Being hungry for something, having a desire or need. Things go well by persevering. It is good to examine what one spontaneously seeks to satisfy the desire. What is the actual desire? Does what you try to satisfy your desire with, actually satisfy your desire?

Which leaves me with the question:  What is it we want?  Each of us has our own needs and desires.  But sometimes do we try and satisfy with some kind of substitute?  

For example, if you've read other posts here, you know I'm on a exercise, eat healthy, lose weight program.  Earlier in the day, I had a really big craving for a can of BBQ Pringles Potato Chips.  In reality, I was just in need of water.  But that can of Pringles was a-callin' my name --- very loudly!  I fought it back, and got my water bottle filled and took a big drink. Ok, so it wasn't that crunchy salty bbq taste that swarms over your tongue and makes you smile --- but I got past the craving, drank my water and in the long run, was much better for me - and my goals.

Do we do that with other things in our lives?  

Do we fulfill our desires with old habits rather than what we truly desire?

I have a long weekend coming up -- and my dilemma will be what to do with it?  There's always painting to be done... and chores.  Or do I use that time for some jaunts to other places, filling my creative side with taking pictures, spending time with nature?  

I've said often that we all have choices in our lives, choices that determine our future.  Are you choosing wisely?

Aches and Pains

So many little aches today: 
a song on the radio,
a turn of a phrase,
the mention of a shared author. 
All the little things that bring him to mind. 
But along with those sweet thoughts,
some ugly ones as well. 
The kind that has me thinking ...
if this was a lie.... was that too? 
self doubts about what i
believed then
and what should i believe now?
makes me feel off balance
seeking answers
only leads to
more questions

Its a Johnny Cash kind of night:

Once Upon a Dream

I think it's Sleeping Beauty who sings "I know you, I walked with you, once upon a dream..."  We all have those every now and then, entertaining thoughts of what might be, what could be, or what could have been.  But our choices lead us to here, to the present.  They are what makes us who we are.   And yes, there are consequences to go with our choices.  

When I was growing up, my momma would tell me "you made your bed, now lie in it."  I never liked that piece of advice.  But as usual, Momma was right.  What we choose is how it's supposed to be.  If we make other choices, new choices, in order to effect change... well, hopefully they're good choices, the right choices.  Dad would use the phrase "shit, or get off the pot..."  if we couldn't decide.  Well.  Yeah.  Thanks Dad! hehehe

In the long run, however, 

we each have our own paths to walk, 

our own way to find. 

I hope you find yours, my friend.  

It's Sunday night, 

the end of the weekend that was 

my own "once upon a dream..." 

Time to let it go.

To find a new dream.

And If you're following along, then yes, I decided to take my own advice!!! I sliced and tattered a nightgown, never to be worn.  Because some reminders are just too hard to bear.  Maybe this will be a new beginning :)

Sun Day

Sunday morning, and I feel like a clock that's run down, like I have nothing left to say.  Well.  We all know that's only temporary, right?  haha

We had a huge storm roll through here yesterday; it dumped enough rain in about 30 minutes to make my backyard flood in the usual places, and then some, as it covered my patio and reached the back door!!  We get so little rain that I don't worry about the puddles that form, but maybe I need to rethink this now.  With a drainpipe under part of the patio, I could redirect the water to alongside the house, and keep it off the patio.  And if I put in some rock on the side of the house, and make sure there's a bit of a grade, the water will drain out along the front driveway.  Sounds like work, and will have to wait until fall now, for cooler temps, to do any outdoor home improvements here.

Once I got myself motivated, I began a thorough cleaning of my closet... I was ruthless in getting rid of things that no longer fit, or that I haven't worn in the past year.  If I haven't worn it, I probably won't in the future.  Yes, I counted 47 empty hangers!  cut-throat!  I also dove into the panties drawer and rid myself of 13 pair that no longer fit.  No sense in keeping those!  Nothing worse than underwear that bags and sags.... lol
 


And of course, now I'm back at the computer, I must have lost a bit of momentum... or maybe this is just a much needed break. *laughs*  Oh. Its Sunday, a day of rest. Yes, that's it!  *grin*  I donned my headphones and tennis shoes, so that I'm motivated to keep moving;  All the usual chores that need to be done, keeping busy because that leaves no room for ... ruminations.

Happy Sun Day to everyone :)

Gaelic Storm

Gaelic Storm - Scalliwag

Every once in a while, I come across a song that really intrigues me.  This one was on my mp3 player by default as a sample song, and boy do I like it!  Its very catchy and upbeat. and who can argue with "we'll fiddle sing sing fiddle all day long".....


Come on and wade way out into the water with me
we're drowning on dry land
come on and wade way out into the water with me
jump in and take my hand

(love to, lets go!)


This is from their album, Bring Yer Wellies, and lucky me, it's at my local library.  So I can check it out, listen to it, and see about the rest of the songs!!

Live Content

To live content with small means;

to seek elegance rather than luxury, 

and refinement rather than fashion; 

to be worthy, not respectable, 

and wealthy, not, rich; 

to listen to stars and birds, 

babes and sages, 

with open heart; 

to study hard; 

to think quietly, act frankly, 

talk gently, 

await occasions, hurry never; 

in a word, 

to let the spiritual, 

unbidden and unconscious, 

grow up through the common--

this is my symphony.

~WILLIAM HENRY CHANNING

While searching for something else, I stumbled upon this quote and found it quite endearing.  In a world that seems to have gone crazy lately, we all try to find different ways to cope.  One of my own personal ideals is to have less ~stuff~; to get by without; to live simply.  And this sums it up rather nicely.

Femininininity

Females love girly days -- it's so nice to feel pampered, to come out of a salon looking great.  Today was my day.  I don't have them often, so when I do, I make a point to enjoy the entire ritual from start to finish, from the color steps, to having your hair washed, your scalp massaged, to the final cut and blowdry, watching her style your hair, and knowing you look great when you're done!

Today was also a day for me to shop.

It was amazing to me to browse among

the clothing, habit taking me to the

size I was wearing, and looking at it,

knowing that size doesn't fit anymore

and being able to find it in a smaller size

and know this is the right one now!

Worth It!

This morning I got up and went to the gym early.  I'm hovering at the mark for 30 pounds lost! I'm thrilled with my progress.  Of course, with water intake, the heat here in the Valley, and daily living, it can fluctuate from day to day, but ... I'll take the 30.  :) 

 

I hopped on the treadmill today, and thought about those 30 pounds.  Well, first I thought about my reason for being at the gym at 7am on a Saturday.  I celebrated reaching a goal with a Bacon Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box Friday night.  lol I know, I know, that's SO not the way to do it, but 4 months without junk food-- I admit I caved.  And you know what?  It was good, but maybe not as good as I remembered.  I could easily go another four months without one of those again.  Ah, my taste buds are changing :)

 

So back to the gym, I headed there to burn off the extra 500 calories that burger added to my day.  And I realized as I was treading along that I am so much more able, more capable of doing what I've been doing without those 30 pounds.  I imagined six bags of sugar strapped around my waist and trying to reach my time/distance goals that I've set for myself.  And realized how much just those few pounds were holding me back.  My goals switch up as I get into better shape.  On the treadmill, I can either measure distance or time.  I try to mix it up.

Back in March, I would try and push the speed, and my lungs would 'give out' first, I'd be panting so hard, I had to slow down.  I've worked up to building speed, then the leg muscles would cramp.  I was doing this with interval training, knowing that I would walk the majority of my time, but adding sprints in there; at first, one minute at 4mph, slowly increasing the speed and times.  Ok,why the long boring description here?  Because today, I reached a milestone.  3 miles in 47 minutes!!!  And I was able to do three sets of sprints at 4.5mph for three minutes.  Four months ago, I imagine I would have collapsed trying to do that. 

It's the little things that need to be rewarded, 

because we deserve it, because we're worth it. 

..... because I deserve it,

..... because I am worth it!

How am I celebrating?  I'm going to get a a new 'do today!!!

12 days

Twelve days have passed since I was told the truth:  that the man I thought I knew, isn't the man I thought I knew.  Brad Paisley sings a song about being "so much cooler online", a song that makes a chuckle out of some of the lies men (and women) tell about themselves...  

Maybe its easy to let a little white lie ride, when you think or assume nothing will come of it.  In Brad Paisley's song he tells that he's 6'5" tall online, when in reality he's only 5'3".  You hear all the time about women who meet men who've misrepresented themselves (and vice versa).  I've had it happen to me in the past. 

I had been chatting with a man who told me he was a lawyer, who said he was 42 and "tall, dark and handsome" -- and even sent me his picture!  When I happened to be vacationing not far from him, we agreed to meet, drive up to Reno and make a day of it.  When I arrived, it turned out he wasn't tall - more like 5'7" ... he wasn't dark, he was totally grey ... and handsome - well its hard to view someone in any kind of good light when you know they've  uh stretched the truth a bit.  As for being 42 years old?  I think he might have meant he was born in 1942 instead!   I've told this story here before, as it's a comical one and embodies the whole thing about online hookups.  Makes you wonder how much truth is in a person's profile if they use some dating site.

One of the feelings I had when everything "dumped" was being so grateful that I didn't have to explain this whole mess to very many people.  Only four people are trusted enough to know about it in its entirety, and of those, only one knows the entire story from beginning to end.  (you know i loves ya!) But that also means that there's a lack of support from places where I should be getting it from... family, even casual friends can be supportive in times like these.  But other than kind words, and some sympathy, there's nothing else to be done except move on the best way you know how.   Just know that I'm grateful for their support.

Things aren't always what they seem. 
And if your gut instinct says one thing,
don't let your emotions fool you.  

At the Park

Feeling restless, I spent the afternoon wandering in Red Mountain Park.  I kept wishing it would rain, or even better, storm up really big.  I felt the need for something big and powerful today.   And of course, I had my camera with me, just in case! 

Just a few clouds, which helped keep the heat down of course, but the humidity was up.  I circled the lake twice, listening to my mp3 player -- a bit of Willie Nelson:  "They let me close my eyes just then those healing hands of time, And soon they'll let me sleep again those healing hands of time, So already I've reached mountain peaks and I've just begun to climb...."

I snapped a lot of pictures, even got a shot of my favorite mountain from the parking lot.  (the rest are posted here )

When was the last time you spent 

a quiet moment just doing nothing --

just sitting and looking at the sea,

or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs,

or waves rippling on a pond, 

a flickering candle or children playing in the park?

~Ralph Marston

I Survived!

Here it is.  Friday the 13th.  I woke up very early, unable to sleep today.  I was very tempted to get up and out, take some pictures somewhere.  But I was afraid to do that, afraid to get in the car and start driving, afraid where I might end up.  You see, this is the day that I was going to take a trip to the west coast. It was going to be my birthday present to myself: some beach pictures, some around town shots, some good foods, a night away.  But it wasn't meant to be.

So now I'm stuck with what to do to keep my mind from wandering.  It's 9am, and I have reassembled my kitchen after taking it apart to paint.  And it looks great, I can truthfully say!  I added in two more shelves because there's never enough room for the plastic containers one accumulates over time.  With fewer shelves, those plastics end up being stacked one on top of another.  And when you need one, its always the one on the bottom. shuffle. shuffle. shuffle. hehehe

Out my window, I'm gazing at the cloudy morning; we've had a few sprinkles, which means its humid.  But with the clouds, there's no heat. Yet. There's a restless, reckless longing in me to hit the road, start driving, and let whatever happens, happen.  Part of today needs to be spent unpacking my overnight bag.  When I began planning this, I also started putting things in my overnight bag that I didn't want to forget ....

10am, and I've killed an hour, and can hear thunder overhead.

11am, and another hour is gone, along with the thunder. The rest of the day looms ahead of me. And I find myself wishing I was at work, where it keeps me too busy to think.  

3pm and the day finally has slipped away, and I know now that I can put it behind me and move forward.  I know that it's little steps, something every day, that will ease the pains.  I keep vowing to do something positive each and every day; I know there will come a day when I will feel the sorrow of what's been lost.  I'll be ready for it.  (its cliche`, but the chocolate ice cream is in the freezer already ... haha)

But it's nice to know that I survived today. :)

Kitchen update

I've been working on my kitchen, attempting to upgrade it to something a little more ... fun. bold.  less  boring.  Whoever painted here last used a sprayer, didn't move anything, just sprayed inside and out.  After pulling out shelves, you could see the lines where the shelf had been sitting.  *sigh*  Only people in a hurry paint like that.  

So here's an updated picture of the upper cabinets painted, the trim is "flaming red hot", and the cabinets are a warm "tempting toasted coconut".  

I know the colors are hard to tell from just pictures,  While the depth of shade is nearly the same as it was before, the old color was a beige with blue undertones, and the new color has red undertones, and feels much warmer.

In this picture, you can see the difference in the color splotch I slapped up to see how I would like it.  And with a little careful taping, I'm able to spray paint the center of the already existing knobs to match the red :)