Just the other day, I got an email that someone had left me a message .... I recognized the source and clicked on it to start reading. My son's ex-girlfriend reached out, telling me how sorry she is, how much she misses him, and that he talked of me all the time (that part is probably true!)
It's weird how you can get busy with life and while nothing is forgotten, it is set aside, on the back burner so to speak, and you deal with what needs to be done as it crops up.
But my suspicious nature kicks in and I'm left wondering why she would leave me this message,or why she was reaching out to me now. The last time I heard from her, she was spewing garbage about the girl my son had dated a couple of times, wanting me to make sure I knew what kind of background the woman had. First, it's not like my son was going to continue dating her after his suicide. Second, the GF broke up with Brian, and he moved out of her house and in with me - who he dates after that isn't her concern!! And in the midst of all my motherly grief her biggest concern is making sure I knew the details of the woman's past? What difference would that make to me now???
I know that Brian's heart was broken by the GF. But before the break-up, I suspect there were other things going on. My son was a "pleaser" - he did whatever he could, whatever needed to be done, in order to make life better for someone if he could. Whenever I traveled to Cali to see family, I tried to take Brian along, because everyone needs a vacation from their job. And he didn't have much of that living with the GF. But the last two trips, we noticed that Brian wasn't his normal self. Not that he would talk about it much, but we could tell. Everyone has their ups and downs in relationships, so we thought it was just that. Looking back, it would be too easy to put a spin on things that happened .... but we know that living with the GF changed him.
Only Brian will ever know the real truth about what went on between him and the GF. I don't even bother asking her because I would never get the truth, just her version of it. And there is always more than one side to a story!!
I know that forgiveness isn't about the other person as much as it is about ourselves. For now, the anger that bubbles up now and again is blamed on two things: Brian choosing death by suicide versus finding some help for the overwhelming feelings he had going on; and the GF and whatever head games she put on Brian for the 3+ years they were together. Although if I'm really honest with myself, I hold a very small portion of the blame against my ex -- he didn't make a lot of effort to act like Brian's dad -- and a smaller portion of the blame belongs to me. I lived with Brian, if I had been paying more attention, or had changed what I said or didn't say -- I know, I can't relive those moments, and most of the time I don't dwell on what didn't happen.
I can't change anything that happened, or what Brian chose to do.
What I can do is go on with the task of living in the way that he asked me:
to be strong, and be happy.
I can't change missing him, but being able to write about him
helps me miss him just a little bit less.
Friday, August 30, 2019
Thursday, August 29, 2019
Fed Up
Anxiety and a growing unhappiness with my job makes each day a little more painful than the last. There's no joy in what I do any longer. There are many changes being made, and yet Management doesn't enforce or uphold the changes which leaves the burden of making sure something is done correctly on me and my co-worker. I was so ... displeased with things after work on Tuesday that I actually sat down and read the Home Depot website about careers with them, and opened up the application page. I know I shouldn't be making changes before a year has passed, so next July. But knowing that I have another 10 months until that date is making me wonder how long I can endure this.
Fed up. Yes, that's the proper term. The actual work that I'm supposed to do each day isn't the problem. It's the people. For 18 years I have been "held accountable" ... and that has gone by the wayside. Why are millennials not being held to a standard? It's very frustrating.
I know that a part of the problem is the weather. We haven't had a break from the heat, it gets this way at the end of each August because the heat can be oppressive. There's no where to go, nothing to do, unless you're up and about at 5am, and even then, it's never less than 80 degrees at that ungodly hour. When it gets like this, I lose ambition to do much of anything, and I eat because I'm bored.
I've been working on scrapbook projects again. Partly because I'm searching for anything and everything to do with Brian. If I'm not looking, then I feel as if he will be forgotten. I know in my heart he'll never be forgotten by friends and family, because he left an impact behind. I realize that it's difficult for people to talk about it, mostly because they don't know what to say.
I can tell I'm at a low point right now, but .... this too shall pass.
Here's hoping I catch a few more Zzzzz's tonight. Between the storm that raged overhead for 2 hours, then up every hour afterward with Sadie who doesn't like the storms, and ends up not feeling right, I didn't get much sleep last night. *sigh* But I'm not about to try another Ambien!!
Fed up. Yes, that's the proper term. The actual work that I'm supposed to do each day isn't the problem. It's the people. For 18 years I have been "held accountable" ... and that has gone by the wayside. Why are millennials not being held to a standard? It's very frustrating.
I know that a part of the problem is the weather. We haven't had a break from the heat, it gets this way at the end of each August because the heat can be oppressive. There's no where to go, nothing to do, unless you're up and about at 5am, and even then, it's never less than 80 degrees at that ungodly hour. When it gets like this, I lose ambition to do much of anything, and I eat because I'm bored.
I've been working on scrapbook projects again. Partly because I'm searching for anything and everything to do with Brian. If I'm not looking, then I feel as if he will be forgotten. I know in my heart he'll never be forgotten by friends and family, because he left an impact behind. I realize that it's difficult for people to talk about it, mostly because they don't know what to say.
I can tell I'm at a low point right now, but .... this too shall pass.
Here's hoping I catch a few more Zzzzz's tonight. Between the storm that raged overhead for 2 hours, then up every hour afterward with Sadie who doesn't like the storms, and ends up not feeling right, I didn't get much sleep last night. *sigh* But I'm not about to try another Ambien!!
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
The Wall
Dear Brian:
When someone you love is gone, what do you keep? Memories, of course. Photos. When it's a child, I have three of your writing projects from high school. Your love of music was a huge part of who you were; you always wore t-shirts from bands: Metallica and AC/DC. Giving them away wasn't an option. So we framed the artwork on them and they look fantastic.
It took me a lot of time to figure out the layout to hang them on the wall. It wasn't until I went to Hobby Lobby to get a shadowbox frame for the Space Camp medal that I came across two things that set this wall off: A Rock n Roll street sign, and two 4x4 frames that suspend from a chain. I knew that they were "you" and would create a terrific wall.
As I look back on things, I remember when you first moved back home, you were ... what's the word ... despondent. You didn't unpack your things, and I felt like I had to get you moving in that direction. I didn't push too hard because at first you said you were moving back in with her after things got settled. If only I had ..... well, I could fill fill that in may ways. But I didn't; I was trying to be a good roommate and let you work things through when I should have listened to a mother's intuition. Then again, maybe that would have only been a temporary solution, and things would have gone this way no matter what ?? That's something I'll never know, something I'll have to live with "until we meet again".
Love you always,
Mom
When someone you love is gone, what do you keep? Memories, of course. Photos. When it's a child, I have three of your writing projects from high school. Your love of music was a huge part of who you were; you always wore t-shirts from bands: Metallica and AC/DC. Giving them away wasn't an option. So we framed the artwork on them and they look fantastic.
It took me a lot of time to figure out the layout to hang them on the wall. It wasn't until I went to Hobby Lobby to get a shadowbox frame for the Space Camp medal that I came across two things that set this wall off: A Rock n Roll street sign, and two 4x4 frames that suspend from a chain. I knew that they were "you" and would create a terrific wall.
There are 5 Metallica T-shirts,
one from AC/DC (Back in Black),
and a T-shirt covered with guitars.
It's a nice arrangement, and definitely "looks" like you.
As I look back on things, I remember when you first moved back home, you were ... what's the word ... despondent. You didn't unpack your things, and I felt like I had to get you moving in that direction. I didn't push too hard because at first you said you were moving back in with her after things got settled. If only I had ..... well, I could fill fill that in may ways. But I didn't; I was trying to be a good roommate and let you work things through when I should have listened to a mother's intuition. Then again, maybe that would have only been a temporary solution, and things would have gone this way no matter what ?? That's something I'll never know, something I'll have to live with "until we meet again".
Love you always,
Mom
Sunday, August 25, 2019
The Backyard
Dear Brian,
It's been difficult for me to go out and enjoy the backyard. My mind drifts to your final place out there, and I just haven't been able to do anything. Yesterday, I was able to go out, and once I took a good look around, I realized that this neglected yard needed to be worked on.
So I started.
And once I was started, I was able to continue ... until the heat got the best of me. But I was able to finish up today.
I moved the bench back along the wall and put my "reading" chairs in place, ready for the fall and cooler weather. Another two weeks and .... I'm so ready!
I cleaned out the junk from the planters, tried to rake up what I could of the pine needles that blew over with the monsoon winds. That Moon Lagoon bush that became more tree-like is chopped down, all that's left is to dig up the root ball. My plan in the fall is change "cactus corner" into some metal art displays and lighting. Just something fun, and less to maintain.
I've gotten rid of more of the plants in planters that just don't look good any longer. The cactus that doesn't bloom ... out it goes. Cleaned out the fire pit, and banged the top back into shape. A palm frond fell on it and caved it in.
When I gaze out over the yard now, I'm a little more at peace with things. As much peace as I'll ever find I suppose. My heart breaks for all the things that you wouldn't or couldn't let me help you through None of us should go through life tackling things alone.
"Carry on, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more."
I heard this the other day, and it made me tear up.
I hope you've found your peace.
And I hope Grandpa gave you a little guff when you saw him, just for old times' sake!
It's been difficult for me to go out and enjoy the backyard. My mind drifts to your final place out there, and I just haven't been able to do anything. Yesterday, I was able to go out, and once I took a good look around, I realized that this neglected yard needed to be worked on.
So I started.
And once I was started, I was able to continue ... until the heat got the best of me. But I was able to finish up today.
I moved the bench back along the wall and put my "reading" chairs in place, ready for the fall and cooler weather. Another two weeks and .... I'm so ready!
I cleaned out the junk from the planters, tried to rake up what I could of the pine needles that blew over with the monsoon winds. That Moon Lagoon bush that became more tree-like is chopped down, all that's left is to dig up the root ball. My plan in the fall is change "cactus corner" into some metal art displays and lighting. Just something fun, and less to maintain.
I've gotten rid of more of the plants in planters that just don't look good any longer. The cactus that doesn't bloom ... out it goes. Cleaned out the fire pit, and banged the top back into shape. A palm frond fell on it and caved it in.
When I gaze out over the yard now, I'm a little more at peace with things. As much peace as I'll ever find I suppose. My heart breaks for all the things that you wouldn't or couldn't let me help you through None of us should go through life tackling things alone.
"Carry on, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more."
I heard this the other day, and it made me tear up.
I hope you've found your peace.
And I hope Grandpa gave you a little guff when you saw him, just for old times' sake!
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Purging
A little purging every day.
That's what I'm striving for this week.
Everyone has "stuff" -- things we don't use, things we thought we liked, things that are worn out -- and yet we still hold on to them. If we're not using them, why not recycle to someone who can actually use them?
Sure, there are some things we can't part with. And some things that may become useful in the future. About six months ago, I got rid of a set of pots and pans. Why? Because I don't cook for a family any longer. When I got the set, I was cooking for a family of 8 (or more! if the neighbor kids stayed for supper!!) Then it was just me and Brian. I haven't used those pans since I moved into this house in 2009. So why was I holding on to them? I bought a 3 piece set to replace those 15 others, and I'm very happy with them. (Talk about making room in that one kitchen cupboard!)
Today, I cleaned out a drawer of DVDs. I own the entire series of Sex and the City, I don't need the others that were a "collection" with a theme. And old movies that I'll never watch again. Library donation, I think. But yes, I did keep some of the ones that I know I will watch over and over again: Pillow Talk, Father Goose, Ugly Coyote, Shawshank Redemption, Bridges of Madison County ... you get the idea.
I know that I know that I know that I don't want my daughter to have to go through what we have been through with Brian. Closing someone's "estate" is painful. And there's so much *stuff* that ... well, it's hard to know what you'll want to keep and what you'll want to toss. Pictures and written things are definitely kept. The rest? *shrug* The things I have that are antiques, I'm putting a note on them so my daughter will know to at least try and sell rather than give to Goodwill.
It's not a fun place in life to be. But if I can get things down to just necessities ... life should be that much easier. As long as I resist the urge to buy things I don't need! (And what woman can do *that*???) hahah
I miss my son every day, and in some ways I'm sad at all the things I had to get rid of, but you can't keep everything; you can't leave his room the way it was so that it becomes a shrine. He wanted us to be happy, to keep living. Yes, I kept his guitars hanging on the wall, under one guitar poster. The rest are gone. I framed six of the logos from his fav tshirts, and they are hanging on the wall as art. It looks pretty good, and since there are now other non-Brian photos hanging in there as well, it's not a shrine. Just a few good memories.
That's what I'm striving for this week.
Everyone has "stuff" -- things we don't use, things we thought we liked, things that are worn out -- and yet we still hold on to them. If we're not using them, why not recycle to someone who can actually use them?
Sure, there are some things we can't part with. And some things that may become useful in the future. About six months ago, I got rid of a set of pots and pans. Why? Because I don't cook for a family any longer. When I got the set, I was cooking for a family of 8 (or more! if the neighbor kids stayed for supper!!) Then it was just me and Brian. I haven't used those pans since I moved into this house in 2009. So why was I holding on to them? I bought a 3 piece set to replace those 15 others, and I'm very happy with them. (Talk about making room in that one kitchen cupboard!)
Today, I cleaned out a drawer of DVDs. I own the entire series of Sex and the City, I don't need the others that were a "collection" with a theme. And old movies that I'll never watch again. Library donation, I think. But yes, I did keep some of the ones that I know I will watch over and over again: Pillow Talk, Father Goose, Ugly Coyote, Shawshank Redemption, Bridges of Madison County ... you get the idea.
I know that I know that I know that I don't want my daughter to have to go through what we have been through with Brian. Closing someone's "estate" is painful. And there's so much *stuff* that ... well, it's hard to know what you'll want to keep and what you'll want to toss. Pictures and written things are definitely kept. The rest? *shrug* The things I have that are antiques, I'm putting a note on them so my daughter will know to at least try and sell rather than give to Goodwill.
It's not a fun place in life to be. But if I can get things down to just necessities ... life should be that much easier. As long as I resist the urge to buy things I don't need! (And what woman can do *that*???) hahah
I miss my son every day, and in some ways I'm sad at all the things I had to get rid of, but you can't keep everything; you can't leave his room the way it was so that it becomes a shrine. He wanted us to be happy, to keep living. Yes, I kept his guitars hanging on the wall, under one guitar poster. The rest are gone. I framed six of the logos from his fav tshirts, and they are hanging on the wall as art. It looks pretty good, and since there are now other non-Brian photos hanging in there as well, it's not a shrine. Just a few good memories.
Friday, August 23, 2019
No Decisions, For Now
With everything that has happened in the past couple of months, I keep having this feeling like I'm ... forgetting something. Or that another shoe is going to drop? Or maybe it's just the odd sensation of feeling as if I'm suspended between two worlds. In one, I want to preserve all I have, all I can of my son. In the opposite spectrum, I don't want my daughter to have to go through all of this so I feel like I should be heading toward minimalism, and getting rid of stuff.
I've already done plenty of that, but I could do better.
A little bit at a time, I suppose.
This upcoming weekend, I will have both days off and I'm looking forward to it!
I also need to work on getting Sadie better at traveling in the car, so we can go places.
It's a weird little world I live in right now, and I'm trying to take it slow, but in many ways I'm becoming impatient. I am pondering staying in my home vs moving closer to my daughter vs moving in with my mother.
I go back and forth with each of them, for various reasons. I would hate living back in Calif; I dislike the traffic and so many people. Everywhere. All the time. But being there for Mom would be SO important. I was never fond of Tucson as a town, and being closer would mean being involved in their lives - a good thing - until you toss my ex in the mix. Sure, we can be civil, but I don't want to spend my social time with him. Then there's staying in my home. The one I bought on my own. It's perfect in size, and the location is pretty good too. But no family lives close.
I bought the house with Brian in mind. Because of his visual problems, he needed to be in a home that was close to some major bus lines. And of course, he needed his own garage! While the bedrooms are smallish, it's not a bad size. And would have been perfect for him in the later years ......
But none of those plans worked out.
For now, no decisions.
I've already done plenty of that, but I could do better.
A little bit at a time, I suppose.
This upcoming weekend, I will have both days off and I'm looking forward to it!
I also need to work on getting Sadie better at traveling in the car, so we can go places.
It's a weird little world I live in right now, and I'm trying to take it slow, but in many ways I'm becoming impatient. I am pondering staying in my home vs moving closer to my daughter vs moving in with my mother.
I go back and forth with each of them, for various reasons. I would hate living back in Calif; I dislike the traffic and so many people. Everywhere. All the time. But being there for Mom would be SO important. I was never fond of Tucson as a town, and being closer would mean being involved in their lives - a good thing - until you toss my ex in the mix. Sure, we can be civil, but I don't want to spend my social time with him. Then there's staying in my home. The one I bought on my own. It's perfect in size, and the location is pretty good too. But no family lives close.
I bought the house with Brian in mind. Because of his visual problems, he needed to be in a home that was close to some major bus lines. And of course, he needed his own garage! While the bedrooms are smallish, it's not a bad size. And would have been perfect for him in the later years ......
But none of those plans worked out.
For now, no decisions.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Lonesome Thoughts
Dear Brian,
Today we're busy marking things down to clearance prices in the hardware department. There are a few things that are a great price! and I wish you were still here with me to install the stuff I'd like to buy.
How I miss your humor and your laugh, and your tolerance of me and my silly ideas when I want to try something new in the house.
Sometimes I'm mad at you for choosing death by suicide. I can't help feeling that we could have helped you work through all your non-feelings and the other bad feelings you had. Sometimes in life we all go through hard times. And we survive through it, and become stronger people for it.
Look at me. I walked away from three different marriages because things didn't work out. Sure some of it may have been my fault, but there were things within each of those men who didn't meet my own needs. After a while, it often felt like I was the one trying to pull a wagon up hill by myself. After a while, a body becomes tired. I know I did. But I didn't opt out of life, just out of those relationships. Because I knew that my family loved and needed me, and I loved and needed them.
No, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. I know that M did things, manipulated things, and frankly, wasn't very truthful with some things. And this took a toll on you. A very deep toll. But you should know that whatever happened to her, with her, by her, wasn't just on you. It takes two people to make or break a relationship. And when she broke it off with you, it had no bearing on you or your worth. She's the one who messed up and let you go. Because you were a great person, and you did what needed to be done. Every time.
In a very small minded way, I hope she feels guilt over what she did to you.
and shame on me for saying it, but it's how I feel.
I'll keep writing you, and I'll continue to post your stories because I want the rest of the world to know the Brian I knew, and because I don't ever want you to be forgotten.
Love always,
Mom.
Today we're busy marking things down to clearance prices in the hardware department. There are a few things that are a great price! and I wish you were still here with me to install the stuff I'd like to buy.
How I miss your humor and your laugh, and your tolerance of me and my silly ideas when I want to try something new in the house.
Sometimes I'm mad at you for choosing death by suicide. I can't help feeling that we could have helped you work through all your non-feelings and the other bad feelings you had. Sometimes in life we all go through hard times. And we survive through it, and become stronger people for it.
Look at me. I walked away from three different marriages because things didn't work out. Sure some of it may have been my fault, but there were things within each of those men who didn't meet my own needs. After a while, it often felt like I was the one trying to pull a wagon up hill by myself. After a while, a body becomes tired. I know I did. But I didn't opt out of life, just out of those relationships. Because I knew that my family loved and needed me, and I loved and needed them.
No, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. I know that M did things, manipulated things, and frankly, wasn't very truthful with some things. And this took a toll on you. A very deep toll. But you should know that whatever happened to her, with her, by her, wasn't just on you. It takes two people to make or break a relationship. And when she broke it off with you, it had no bearing on you or your worth. She's the one who messed up and let you go. Because you were a great person, and you did what needed to be done. Every time.
In a very small minded way, I hope she feels guilt over what she did to you.
and shame on me for saying it, but it's how I feel.
I'll keep writing you, and I'll continue to post your stories because I want the rest of the world to know the Brian I knew, and because I don't ever want you to be forgotten.
Love always,
Mom.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Little Tasks, Ordinary Day
Dear Brian,
I haven't written in a few days, it's been busy. Well, I guess not more busy than normal, but it seems that way when I'm not sleeping well. The doc prescribed Ambien ... YICK! So I tried a couple different brands of melatonin and found one that I think is going to work. I actually slept last night, so today was a good day. But then again, any day not working is a good day, right?! lol
Had a filling replaced this morning, then went for groceries. I think getting groceries is one of the harder things I do right now. Even when you weren't living with me, since you popped in to get your mail every now and then, when I made a trip to the grocery store, I always bought a treat or two to slip into your "mail bag" hanging in the hallway. Now ... there's no one to buy treats for except me. And I sure don't need them!
Today, I saw two things I would have bought you: Bison Jerky and Perky Jerky. The bison is explanatory, but the Perky Jerky I think was pork jerky with some caffeine added in, hence the perky part! No idea if you would have liked them, but experiments are always fun! And I liked surprising you with .... oddities! Or old standbys, like Skittles (taste the rainbow!)
I'm boiling chicken in Dr Pepper and Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce (again) so I can have that with brown rice and broccoli for suppers this week. Food has lost it's ... I'm not sure how to put it. When I eat something, it's just food for survival. Sometimes I hardly remember eating at all. But I'm eating, and drinking water, so it's all OK.
The AC company was out for there annual inspection today. There's a couple motors up there that will need replacing soon ..... with my luck, it'll happen in the hottest part of the year next summer!
The butterfly and dragonfly wind charms were looking a little rusty, so I took out the crystals, washed them up good and spray painted the wires so they look spiffy again. And I finally finished taking out the rest of that "bush" that had turned into some kind of tree! It was too big for the space; now if only you were here to help me dig up the root ball .... *sigh*
I've been trying to find some kind of bracelet, or necklace, created in your honor, but haven't found the right stuff. Yet.
I miss you always,
Love, Mom
I haven't written in a few days, it's been busy. Well, I guess not more busy than normal, but it seems that way when I'm not sleeping well. The doc prescribed Ambien ... YICK! So I tried a couple different brands of melatonin and found one that I think is going to work. I actually slept last night, so today was a good day. But then again, any day not working is a good day, right?! lol
Had a filling replaced this morning, then went for groceries. I think getting groceries is one of the harder things I do right now. Even when you weren't living with me, since you popped in to get your mail every now and then, when I made a trip to the grocery store, I always bought a treat or two to slip into your "mail bag" hanging in the hallway. Now ... there's no one to buy treats for except me. And I sure don't need them!
Today, I saw two things I would have bought you: Bison Jerky and Perky Jerky. The bison is explanatory, but the Perky Jerky I think was pork jerky with some caffeine added in, hence the perky part! No idea if you would have liked them, but experiments are always fun! And I liked surprising you with .... oddities! Or old standbys, like Skittles (taste the rainbow!)
I'm boiling chicken in Dr Pepper and Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce (again) so I can have that with brown rice and broccoli for suppers this week. Food has lost it's ... I'm not sure how to put it. When I eat something, it's just food for survival. Sometimes I hardly remember eating at all. But I'm eating, and drinking water, so it's all OK.
The AC company was out for there annual inspection today. There's a couple motors up there that will need replacing soon ..... with my luck, it'll happen in the hottest part of the year next summer!
The butterfly and dragonfly wind charms were looking a little rusty, so I took out the crystals, washed them up good and spray painted the wires so they look spiffy again. And I finally finished taking out the rest of that "bush" that had turned into some kind of tree! It was too big for the space; now if only you were here to help me dig up the root ball .... *sigh*
I've been trying to find some kind of bracelet, or necklace, created in your honor, but haven't found the right stuff. Yet.
I miss you always,
Love, Mom
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Fat Bottom Girl Humor
I wore a new pair of jeans to work the other day, and walking from the one end to the other, my co-worker was behind me. She said "Your butt looks good in those jeans!"
I turned and laughed when I said "Girl, when you're my age it's more important that your ass is covered than what it looks like!
But thanks!"
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Ambien - Dream or Nightmare?
Here it is Saturday, and I took my first Ambien last night. I checked online to see the risks involved, and didn't like it one little bit! So I cut my pill in half. And thank goodness! They're supposed to be taken on an empty stomach -- um, what does that constitute? 2 hours after eating? 4 hours? There aren't enough hours between getting home from work, eating dinner and going to bed. *sigh* So I just took it when I crawled into bed. They're supposed to work rather quick, so I laid there and waited. 30 minutes go by and .. no sleep, but I didn't feel right. Checked my FitBit and my heart rate -- which is normally in the high 60s just before sleep -- was galloping at 89 BPM. Not so fast if it's
during the day while I'm at work, but too fast for sleeping IMO. Deep breathing exercises didn't lower my pulse at all, and sometimes I can get it to 58 right before sleep. Add to that, it also made me feel like a hot flash was taking over .... usually those happen about 3am, not right at bed time.
With some of the stories I read about, I was worried that I might do something .... odd .... in the middle of the night so I hid my car keys (hope I can find them tomorrow morning!! haha) and tucked the bottle of pills away so I wouldn't wake up and think I needed to take another. Some folks had written about doing some odd things, and I just didn't want to be one of those!! One woman wrote that she drove to the store and bought some whipped cream. Another wrote that she had gone to the next door neighbor's house to get some ice cream. I live alone! That can't be me!!
While I "slept" ... it wasn't any more restful (my Fitbit didn't log more than the normal 'deep sleep') or a longer length of time than regular sleep. I'll have to take a whole one next time -- Tuesday night -- because I don't dare take them on a night before my workday! And the whole addictive-ness warnings, and the withdrawals after taking them for a time .... naw this isn't for me. I recognize these are unusual circumstances, but maybe it's better to just "tough it out" .
I think that as soon as the weather cools a bit, I can go back to walking Sadie in the stroller each evening after work and deal with the insomnia that way. I'm not one for taking pills, and especially not these kind that mess with you!
during the day while I'm at work, but too fast for sleeping IMO. Deep breathing exercises didn't lower my pulse at all, and sometimes I can get it to 58 right before sleep. Add to that, it also made me feel like a hot flash was taking over .... usually those happen about 3am, not right at bed time.
With some of the stories I read about, I was worried that I might do something .... odd .... in the middle of the night so I hid my car keys (hope I can find them tomorrow morning!! haha) and tucked the bottle of pills away so I wouldn't wake up and think I needed to take another. Some folks had written about doing some odd things, and I just didn't want to be one of those!! One woman wrote that she drove to the store and bought some whipped cream. Another wrote that she had gone to the next door neighbor's house to get some ice cream. I live alone! That can't be me!!
While I "slept" ... it wasn't any more restful (my Fitbit didn't log more than the normal 'deep sleep') or a longer length of time than regular sleep. I'll have to take a whole one next time -- Tuesday night -- because I don't dare take them on a night before my workday! And the whole addictive-ness warnings, and the withdrawals after taking them for a time .... naw this isn't for me. I recognize these are unusual circumstances, but maybe it's better to just "tough it out" .
I think that as soon as the weather cools a bit, I can go back to walking Sadie in the stroller each evening after work and deal with the insomnia that way. I'm not one for taking pills, and especially not these kind that mess with you!
Thursday, August 15, 2019
If .... Then Tell Them!
Dear Brian,
I gotta tell ya, trying to "close out" someone's life isn't very easy! In fact, it can be downright frustrating!! There's the credit card companies who need to be told, your bank who keeps using the excuse that your account is "on hold". You kept everything private, and there's no way for me to know anything or even check on anything at this point. I know that soon I will get to that "fuck it" point and just let the bank keep the money; can't be that much in there.
I keep getting glimpses of moments that I wish I could forget; I'll be reading a book and something in there will happen, and it will make me think of your choosing death by suicide rather than trying to work something out. I didn't walk in your shoes, so I don't know, and I won't judge. But damn, son, it's rather hard to "be strong" like you asked us to do.
So I just keep on remembering you as you were, and trying to post those stories and pictures every day. I don't want anyone to forget you, forget what you meant to us. Maybe we didn't say it often enough. I thought we did, but now I wonder. Now you're not here and I'm left wishing I'd said it more often.
The doctor prescribed sleeping meds for me, to see if that helps me out.
I'm going to try my first one tomorrow night -- don't want to try and work if there's some kind of "sleep hangover" from them. I'll let you know!
Love,
Mom
I gotta tell ya, trying to "close out" someone's life isn't very easy! In fact, it can be downright frustrating!! There's the credit card companies who need to be told, your bank who keeps using the excuse that your account is "on hold". You kept everything private, and there's no way for me to know anything or even check on anything at this point. I know that soon I will get to that "fuck it" point and just let the bank keep the money; can't be that much in there.
I keep getting glimpses of moments that I wish I could forget; I'll be reading a book and something in there will happen, and it will make me think of your choosing death by suicide rather than trying to work something out. I didn't walk in your shoes, so I don't know, and I won't judge. But damn, son, it's rather hard to "be strong" like you asked us to do.
So I just keep on remembering you as you were, and trying to post those stories and pictures every day. I don't want anyone to forget you, forget what you meant to us. Maybe we didn't say it often enough. I thought we did, but now I wonder. Now you're not here and I'm left wishing I'd said it more often.
The doctor prescribed sleeping meds for me, to see if that helps me out.
I'm going to try my first one tomorrow night -- don't want to try and work if there's some kind of "sleep hangover" from them. I'll let you know!
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Banking Woes
My son had a checking account with Chase Bank, part of JP Morgan
He died July 2nd.
I went to the bank on July 27th to close out his account.
After waiting 30 minutes for a banker, and another 20 minutes of her processing paperwork, I was told they "can't do anything until it's been 30 days after the date of his death".
Being in my state of .... shock, I accepted what she told me and left.
August 14, I return to the bank to attempt to close his account (again). No waiting this time, but all the paperwork needed to be filled out again -- only to be told that there's a hold on the account.
Um... what?
"You people are really something ... you couldn't have told me that before so I could start getting this taken care of ?? I just want to get this completed." I told them.
After I left, I realized that I wasn't in my right mind to ask questions.
Who put the hold on the account???
My son's employer can put a hold on his private banking account?
Or did Chase put the hold on the account?
They wanted to get one extra month's payment for his account??
Do they really need that $15 ?
I checked the Chase website, nothing there says anything about waiting 30 days.
My son worked in retail, and there couldn't be that much money in his account.
I was just trying to do the right thing by closing his account.
They wouldn't tell me a balance; if it was less than $100 I'd walk away; this isn't worth it!
Seriously, this is crazy. My advice: make sure there's more than one person authorized on a checking account. If something happens to one person, write a check for all but $10 and let the bank just close the account themselves and avoid all this hassle.
PS: I don't bank at Chase ... never have, and now never will.
He died July 2nd.
I went to the bank on July 27th to close out his account.
After waiting 30 minutes for a banker, and another 20 minutes of her processing paperwork, I was told they "can't do anything until it's been 30 days after the date of his death".
Being in my state of .... shock, I accepted what she told me and left.
August 14, I return to the bank to attempt to close his account (again). No waiting this time, but all the paperwork needed to be filled out again -- only to be told that there's a hold on the account.
Um... what?
"You people are really something ... you couldn't have told me that before so I could start getting this taken care of ?? I just want to get this completed." I told them.
After I left, I realized that I wasn't in my right mind to ask questions.
Who put the hold on the account???
My son's employer can put a hold on his private banking account?
Or did Chase put the hold on the account?
They wanted to get one extra month's payment for his account??
Do they really need that $15 ?
I checked the Chase website, nothing there says anything about waiting 30 days.
My son worked in retail, and there couldn't be that much money in his account.
I was just trying to do the right thing by closing his account.
They wouldn't tell me a balance; if it was less than $100 I'd walk away; this isn't worth it!
Seriously, this is crazy. My advice: make sure there's more than one person authorized on a checking account. If something happens to one person, write a check for all but $10 and let the bank just close the account themselves and avoid all this hassle.
PS: I don't bank at Chase ... never have, and now never will.
Monday, August 12, 2019
Treasured Memories
Dear Brian:
There's nothing more special for me right now than to discover a pile of old photos! I was cleaning out one of my "treasure boxes" and found a few more. I look at them and remember all the things we used to do!
Here's a photo of the pumpkins we carved while camping out at Big Basin, which was a great place to go for a quick little get-away weekend. The smile on your face must mean you were having a great time!
While I know that I'll be ... troubled when thoughts of you drift into my head in the dark of night, I'm trying to be reasonable, knowing full well that it's part of the process. Will I ever get "over" this? I think not. But I'm praying that I arrive at some kind of peace; to be able to accept that your choice is what you felt necessary. I'll always believe different: that with some talking and some care, things would have gotten better.
I started attacking that overgrown tree in the backyard. Not sure I'll be able to finish doing the digging out of the root ball, but as with everything now that I"ll be doing alone: a little at a time!
I'll be posting a few of your old photos found on the website ForeverMissed.com and telling the story behind them. It's been fun being able to share. But I'm a little sad about it too. I don't think your dad and I know Grandma just can't look at your photos and stories. They're so sad. Grandma told me she had a photo of you from Anthony's wedding that she put in a frame, but she can't bear to look at it. Which makes me sad as well.
I want her, I want everyone to remember you
as you were, just like you asked us to.
Which is why I just keep writing .....
Love you always, son!
Mom
There's nothing more special for me right now than to discover a pile of old photos! I was cleaning out one of my "treasure boxes" and found a few more. I look at them and remember all the things we used to do!
Here's a photo of the pumpkins we carved while camping out at Big Basin, which was a great place to go for a quick little get-away weekend. The smile on your face must mean you were having a great time!
I started attacking that overgrown tree in the backyard. Not sure I'll be able to finish doing the digging out of the root ball, but as with everything now that I"ll be doing alone: a little at a time!
I'll be posting a few of your old photos found on the website ForeverMissed.com and telling the story behind them. It's been fun being able to share. But I'm a little sad about it too. I don't think your dad and I know Grandma just can't look at your photos and stories. They're so sad. Grandma told me she had a photo of you from Anthony's wedding that she put in a frame, but she can't bear to look at it. Which makes me sad as well.
I want her, I want everyone to remember you
as you were, just like you asked us to.
Which is why I just keep writing .....
Love you always, son!
Mom
Saturday, August 10, 2019
Another Saturday
Dear Brian:
Here we are, another Saturday. At least that what my FitBit tells me. I feel like I never know what day it is. After 10 years at the same position, my store decided to make it mandatory that we are off Sat And Wed. Which means I have two Mondays, and two Fridays. It also makes it feel like I never have a day off. Oh well, I need this job for just a little bit longer. Hurry up retirement!
I tried hanging the frames I put your old Metallica T-shirts in, but I didn't like the arrangement. I've laid it out several different ways, and still don't like it. Maybe I'm trying to make it too ... squared up and I need to just start from the center and work my way out, hanging them hodgepodge. Because that seems more like you anyhow. OCD is one thing, but looking good is another! hehe
Sadie and I took a long walk today, first around the block, then I stuck her in the stroller and walked another half hour. It was good for her, can't wait for cooler weather so we can walk after work again. I think that might help. With a lot of things.
Every now and then out of the blue - usually in the late night hours or wee morning hours - that images of you swim through my mind and it's both wonderful and painful at the same time. It's hard not to think about our choice, and harder still to accept that you won't be coming back through my front door.
I should try and get something actually accomplished today.
I'm still adjusting to everything.
Missing you,
Mom
Here we are, another Saturday. At least that what my FitBit tells me. I feel like I never know what day it is. After 10 years at the same position, my store decided to make it mandatory that we are off Sat And Wed. Which means I have two Mondays, and two Fridays. It also makes it feel like I never have a day off. Oh well, I need this job for just a little bit longer. Hurry up retirement!
I tried hanging the frames I put your old Metallica T-shirts in, but I didn't like the arrangement. I've laid it out several different ways, and still don't like it. Maybe I'm trying to make it too ... squared up and I need to just start from the center and work my way out, hanging them hodgepodge. Because that seems more like you anyhow. OCD is one thing, but looking good is another! hehe
Sadie and I took a long walk today, first around the block, then I stuck her in the stroller and walked another half hour. It was good for her, can't wait for cooler weather so we can walk after work again. I think that might help. With a lot of things.
Every now and then out of the blue - usually in the late night hours or wee morning hours - that images of you swim through my mind and it's both wonderful and painful at the same time. It's hard not to think about our choice, and harder still to accept that you won't be coming back through my front door.
I should try and get something actually accomplished today.
I'm still adjusting to everything.
Missing you,
Mom
Friday, August 9, 2019
Still Trying
Dear Brian:
It's been a long week. Which seems weird to say because my weeks are broken up by days off: Saturdays and Wednesdays. I was complaining on the phone to Grandma that I now have TWO MONDAYS every week .... then she pointed out that with that kind of thinking, I also have TWO Fridays!! So I guess it's all in how you look at it.
I've been transcribing your project "All About Me" on your Forever Missed web page, and I've come to realize that you felt things more intensely than most people. When you started "dating" a girl, you fell in love, you fell hard. And when it didn't last, you felt that pain very hard as well. I can imagine that became difficult over time. I'm not excusing your choice, but just trying to understand and come to terms with your choice. It makes me wonder if that's how it was with other friendships as well with classmates and such. I guess it was.
There wasn't anything I could do to help you through that; I suspect that you have the same tendencies as me, being an Empath. We didn't like crowds or lots of people and we're comfortable in our own skin, being alone wasn't ever an issue. Your sister needs more social interaction that we ever needed. But now I wish I had directed you to understanding this side of you without your having to feel guilt or pain over what was totally normal for you to feel.
I haven't changed anything around the house, other than trying to be a little more organized and cleaned up. I still think I have too many little piles everywhere! But that may not change for a while, until I get my multitasking back under control. I'm in the moment, but once a moment passes, I seem to forget what I was doing, or where I put anything. So I spend a lot of time re-doing the same things. hahah Never had it like this before.
I miss you every day
Love, Mom
It's been a long week. Which seems weird to say because my weeks are broken up by days off: Saturdays and Wednesdays. I was complaining on the phone to Grandma that I now have TWO MONDAYS every week .... then she pointed out that with that kind of thinking, I also have TWO Fridays!! So I guess it's all in how you look at it.
I've been transcribing your project "All About Me" on your Forever Missed web page, and I've come to realize that you felt things more intensely than most people. When you started "dating" a girl, you fell in love, you fell hard. And when it didn't last, you felt that pain very hard as well. I can imagine that became difficult over time. I'm not excusing your choice, but just trying to understand and come to terms with your choice. It makes me wonder if that's how it was with other friendships as well with classmates and such. I guess it was.
There wasn't anything I could do to help you through that; I suspect that you have the same tendencies as me, being an Empath. We didn't like crowds or lots of people and we're comfortable in our own skin, being alone wasn't ever an issue. Your sister needs more social interaction that we ever needed. But now I wish I had directed you to understanding this side of you without your having to feel guilt or pain over what was totally normal for you to feel.
I haven't changed anything around the house, other than trying to be a little more organized and cleaned up. I still think I have too many little piles everywhere! But that may not change for a while, until I get my multitasking back under control. I'm in the moment, but once a moment passes, I seem to forget what I was doing, or where I put anything. So I spend a lot of time re-doing the same things. hahah Never had it like this before.
I miss you every day
Love, Mom
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Make Lemonade
They say "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade". And while I agree with that viewpoint most of the time, I gotta tell ya, I'm getting pretty tired of lemonade!It's been one of those kind of days. There's what happens in my job. I'm supposed to do two functions as my main job, and others are supposed to do their part. But the line is old and worn out: Take it to Gal, she can handle it. Well. This old gal is tired and worn out and pushing back for others to learn how to do a job correctly. Add to that the stress I've been under, and it's not always so good.
I had a doctor's appointment today because I thought I needed to have someone give me the once-over. But early in the day, the office called me and said they no longer accept my insurance and cancelled my appointment. Um Yikes, now what? So I spent a good hour of my day trying to locate and get in to see another primary care physician. It's SUCH a pain to start over with a new doctor!!
I tried to go back to Brian's back to close out his account. But I sat in the car in the parking lot and just couldn't do it, didn't feel well enough to be able to sit if I was asked to wait. So maybe that will happen on Saturday.
And last night Sadie and I were hunkered down in bed with the TV on. She was snoring away and I thought she was down for the night. But all of a sudden she made a strange little snort and shot straight up onto her legs -- I'm thinking maybe she was having some kind of dream or nightmare? -- and then whooosh, she peed on the bed! I'm hoping and praying this was an isolated incident!
Maybe I need to add a little more sugar to that lemonade!
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
SOS - A Month Afterward
SOS - Survivors of Suicide
I've been doing a lot of reading and note taking about suicide, or more so, about being a survivor of suicide. Suicide is such a mess. It is unbelievable how one person's decision can affect so many lives. Even as we begin to understand our loved one killed them self in a desperate attempt to end their pain, we often feel that their anguish has not been extinguished but simply passed on to us.
In my own case, my son left a trail of bills to contend with. He also had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3+ years, causing him to move back home. A month after, he started dating someone else. When the ex found out about his dating, it is my belief that she started hounding my son, perhaps making him feel guilty (and he shouldn't have felt any! He's the one who had to vacate the home he'd been living in!) After Brian died, I was hounded by both of these women! First they resorted to sending me text messages, then trying to "friend" me on FaceBook. His ex also had people leaving notes on my car two separate times. I finally had to send her a text that read "My son DIED! Please leave me alone to grieve in peace."
The "what ifs" plague survivors of suicide. A person's decision to end their life is solitary and unconnected to survivors of suicide. When we accept that it was their choice alone is when we can move past the what if's. I've done my share of them, wondering if only I'd said "this" or noticed "that". The loss of a child is devastating. Suicide is an act of violence - not only against yourself, but against others, the ones left behind to deal with it all.
Sometimes we feel guilty because of what our loved one did; it shouldn't affect how we think of them or remember them. That's why I keep writing to Brian, and logging stories as I recall them on a website , to keep him alive in my mind the way he was, and not focusing on his last action.
Suicide leaves in its wake a tremendous sense of confusion and displacement for those of us left behind. Family members who have lost a loved one to suicide are blamed and avoided more often than relatives of people who have died under other circumstances. This can reinforce the quiet and self blame that already preoccupies survivors of suicide. The irrationality of suicide leaves the survivor no room for definitive resolution.
The roller coaster of emotions following a suicide causes intense feelings of isolation and a breaking apart from all that once seemed familiar. Survivors of suicide experience a wide range of often contradictory emotions following the suicide of a loved one, it's impact alters our lives forever.
There is no easy way to eradicate the pain of grieving. The toll that suicide exacts on its survivors is very high. Oddly, my son's final note said that he knew I was strong, and that he wanted me to be happy. For those of us who have been left behind, the legacy of suicide lies not in reconciling ourselves to inevitable defeat, but in recognizing that our spirit of survival remains both resilient and intact.
My life was forever changed July 2, 2019, but somehow I will survive.
I know in my heart that my son didn't want to die forever,
just on that day, when he had been in so much pain.
I've been doing a lot of reading and note taking about suicide, or more so, about being a survivor of suicide. Suicide is such a mess. It is unbelievable how one person's decision can affect so many lives. Even as we begin to understand our loved one killed them self in a desperate attempt to end their pain, we often feel that their anguish has not been extinguished but simply passed on to us.
In my own case, my son left a trail of bills to contend with. He also had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3+ years, causing him to move back home. A month after, he started dating someone else. When the ex found out about his dating, it is my belief that she started hounding my son, perhaps making him feel guilty (and he shouldn't have felt any! He's the one who had to vacate the home he'd been living in!) After Brian died, I was hounded by both of these women! First they resorted to sending me text messages, then trying to "friend" me on FaceBook. His ex also had people leaving notes on my car two separate times. I finally had to send her a text that read "My son DIED! Please leave me alone to grieve in peace."
The "what ifs" plague survivors of suicide. A person's decision to end their life is solitary and unconnected to survivors of suicide. When we accept that it was their choice alone is when we can move past the what if's. I've done my share of them, wondering if only I'd said "this" or noticed "that". The loss of a child is devastating. Suicide is an act of violence - not only against yourself, but against others, the ones left behind to deal with it all.
Sometimes we feel guilty because of what our loved one did; it shouldn't affect how we think of them or remember them. That's why I keep writing to Brian, and logging stories as I recall them on a website , to keep him alive in my mind the way he was, and not focusing on his last action.
Suicide leaves in its wake a tremendous sense of confusion and displacement for those of us left behind. Family members who have lost a loved one to suicide are blamed and avoided more often than relatives of people who have died under other circumstances. This can reinforce the quiet and self blame that already preoccupies survivors of suicide. The irrationality of suicide leaves the survivor no room for definitive resolution.
The roller coaster of emotions following a suicide causes intense feelings of isolation and a breaking apart from all that once seemed familiar. Survivors of suicide experience a wide range of often contradictory emotions following the suicide of a loved one, it's impact alters our lives forever.
There is no easy way to eradicate the pain of grieving. The toll that suicide exacts on its survivors is very high. Oddly, my son's final note said that he knew I was strong, and that he wanted me to be happy. For those of us who have been left behind, the legacy of suicide lies not in reconciling ourselves to inevitable defeat, but in recognizing that our spirit of survival remains both resilient and intact.
My life was forever changed July 2, 2019, but somehow I will survive.
I know in my heart that my son didn't want to die forever,
just on that day, when he had been in so much pain.
A Little Luck and Fewer Piles
Dear Brian,
I think your good luck rubbed off on me! I'm a part of a group that teaches and trains how to change your lifestyle for a more healthy one. It's text based, you answer questions and participate that way. Every time you answer a question correctly, your name goes in for the drawing for a $250 gift card -- and I won one!!!!! Used it today at Walmart -- 2 weeks groceries and 2 pairs of Levi's for work = $0 out of pocket.
I just posted the photos of your trip to Space Camp in Alabama (1999) and it brought back such good memories. You were a little apprehensive about going, but Judy (your vision teacher) was going along, so I knew you'd be OK. Once you came back, you didn't stop talking about all the cool things you got to see and do. From the photos, it looks like it was a fantastic opportunity!
I started tackling some of the "little piles everywhere" -- but I keep getting distracted. I started unloading the dishwasher and ended up re-doing the silverware drawer and the plastics shelf. I think I have too many of all of these things now! lol But we'll just keep things as they are for now. I started cleaning out in the garage. Alonzo has your bike and bike parts. He will be able to use it to go back and forth to school, same some $$ on gas, even if it isn't every day. Dumped out your fuels into kitty litter. Sorted out some of the nuts, bolts and washers that were in every tool drawer lol Now they're all back in their compartments!
They've changed my work schedule and now my two days off are Sat and Weds. WTF is up with that? Not what I signed up for ..... if there was a way I could retire right now, I would. Right now isn't the time to be making changes. Wish it was! I've been pondering options - moving to CA, or to Tucson. Or staying in town, getting something smaller, maybe in a 55+ community. It's too soon, but if you can foresee something ... let me know, ok? :)
Time to get back to the rest of the little piles ....
Love,
Mom
I think your good luck rubbed off on me! I'm a part of a group that teaches and trains how to change your lifestyle for a more healthy one. It's text based, you answer questions and participate that way. Every time you answer a question correctly, your name goes in for the drawing for a $250 gift card -- and I won one!!!!! Used it today at Walmart -- 2 weeks groceries and 2 pairs of Levi's for work = $0 out of pocket.
I just posted the photos of your trip to Space Camp in Alabama (1999) and it brought back such good memories. You were a little apprehensive about going, but Judy (your vision teacher) was going along, so I knew you'd be OK. Once you came back, you didn't stop talking about all the cool things you got to see and do. From the photos, it looks like it was a fantastic opportunity!I started tackling some of the "little piles everywhere" -- but I keep getting distracted. I started unloading the dishwasher and ended up re-doing the silverware drawer and the plastics shelf. I think I have too many of all of these things now! lol But we'll just keep things as they are for now. I started cleaning out in the garage. Alonzo has your bike and bike parts. He will be able to use it to go back and forth to school, same some $$ on gas, even if it isn't every day. Dumped out your fuels into kitty litter. Sorted out some of the nuts, bolts and washers that were in every tool drawer lol Now they're all back in their compartments!
They've changed my work schedule and now my two days off are Sat and Weds. WTF is up with that? Not what I signed up for ..... if there was a way I could retire right now, I would. Right now isn't the time to be making changes. Wish it was! I've been pondering options - moving to CA, or to Tucson. Or staying in town, getting something smaller, maybe in a 55+ community. It's too soon, but if you can foresee something ... let me know, ok? :)
Time to get back to the rest of the little piles ....
Love,
Mom
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Little Piles Everywhere
Being so scatterbrained lately, I've come to realize that I have little piles of "this and that" in odd places around the house. And when it comes to finding things .... my memory is on the fritz with all the stress. So I spend too much time looking for things, and not enough time dealing with them.
I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I sure hope it passes quickly!
I'm big on pictures -- taking them, saving them, and folks who know how much I like pictures send them to me as well! Especially family photos. To me, it's important to know where you come from in order to get where you're going.
I found these just yesterday,
in another one of these little piles,
so I'm going to share them.
Brian "spelunking" at Lava Beds National Monument
Dear Brian,
You gave me moments of sheer joy; I will never forget the laughs and tears, the adventures and mishaps we've shared over the years.
I miss you every day,
Love, Mom
I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I sure hope it passes quickly!
I'm big on pictures -- taking them, saving them, and folks who know how much I like pictures send them to me as well! Especially family photos. To me, it's important to know where you come from in order to get where you're going.
I found these just yesterday,
in another one of these little piles,
so I'm going to share them.
Brian "spelunking" at Lava Beds National Monument
and a joyous moment before jumping in the lake!
Dear Brian,
You gave me moments of sheer joy; I will never forget the laughs and tears, the adventures and mishaps we've shared over the years.
I miss you every day,
Love, Mom
Friday, August 2, 2019
Too Much Thinking
Dear Brian,
Maybe some who read this are getting tired of my letters to you. But I don't care, it helps me.
One thing I haven't acknowledged is what I noticed in the backyard - there's a cigarette burn on the bench, and I wonder did you sit there contemplating? Were you scared? Or just ready to have it done? I can't imagine any of your thoughts. I suspect you sat there, set down your cigarette, and then ... what? I know you left Sadie in the house, which means this was planned. And knowing that hurts me a lot. I wish you had talked to me, but it seems you were so far down in some kind of hole and didn't see any way out. But as you said, I'm strong. I would have found a way to help however I could.
When I'm not thinking these things, I think about the times when you .... went along with me whenever I got a wild hair to go out hiking or something. Loved to travel out to Superstition, or Hole in the Rock, and go wandering in the desert for a hike of some sort. You were always prepared, carrying your "survival bag" in case something happened, including headache medicine, bandaids, elastic bandages in case of a sprain.... You always seemed to have the right stuff with you. You were a good sport to go along with your ol' mom so she didn't have to hike alone. Thank you for that. I'm not sure I thanked you enough for that.
The same with my car: you always tucked away a roll of duct tape, a small arsenal of handy tools ... just in case we got stuck somewhere. Now that you're not here ... well, the items are still in the trunk, along with a change of clothes as well. Yeah, now that I'm older, you just never know ....
The day never passes whenever I think about your choice and feel the need to mutter to myself "Brian, Brian, Brian ..." For some reason it always needs to be said three times. I can't explain it even to myself, but just accept that's how it needs to be.
I am in the process of posting all your high school English class writings that you wrote about yourself. I'm also tucking them into sheet protectors and storing them in a binder that zippers shut. That way folks can read them whenever they're ready. I sure am pleased that I have that little bit of you to remember all the good times, to read about your view point of the world. Your sense of humor shines through to me in your words.
All this thinking that my brain does, I suppose they say it's good for me to be thinking and writing whatever I can about it. Pondering over whatever helps put things in perspective. It's not always easy, but it's getting easier to remember the good parts of you. And there were many of them!
I'll always love you, son
Love, Mom
Maybe some who read this are getting tired of my letters to you. But I don't care, it helps me.
One thing I haven't acknowledged is what I noticed in the backyard - there's a cigarette burn on the bench, and I wonder did you sit there contemplating? Were you scared? Or just ready to have it done? I can't imagine any of your thoughts. I suspect you sat there, set down your cigarette, and then ... what? I know you left Sadie in the house, which means this was planned. And knowing that hurts me a lot. I wish you had talked to me, but it seems you were so far down in some kind of hole and didn't see any way out. But as you said, I'm strong. I would have found a way to help however I could.
When I'm not thinking these things, I think about the times when you .... went along with me whenever I got a wild hair to go out hiking or something. Loved to travel out to Superstition, or Hole in the Rock, and go wandering in the desert for a hike of some sort. You were always prepared, carrying your "survival bag" in case something happened, including headache medicine, bandaids, elastic bandages in case of a sprain.... You always seemed to have the right stuff with you. You were a good sport to go along with your ol' mom so she didn't have to hike alone. Thank you for that. I'm not sure I thanked you enough for that.
The same with my car: you always tucked away a roll of duct tape, a small arsenal of handy tools ... just in case we got stuck somewhere. Now that you're not here ... well, the items are still in the trunk, along with a change of clothes as well. Yeah, now that I'm older, you just never know ....
The day never passes whenever I think about your choice and feel the need to mutter to myself "Brian, Brian, Brian ..." For some reason it always needs to be said three times. I can't explain it even to myself, but just accept that's how it needs to be.
I am in the process of posting all your high school English class writings that you wrote about yourself. I'm also tucking them into sheet protectors and storing them in a binder that zippers shut. That way folks can read them whenever they're ready. I sure am pleased that I have that little bit of you to remember all the good times, to read about your view point of the world. Your sense of humor shines through to me in your words.
All this thinking that my brain does, I suppose they say it's good for me to be thinking and writing whatever I can about it. Pondering over whatever helps put things in perspective. It's not always easy, but it's getting easier to remember the good parts of you. And there were many of them!
I'll always love you, son
Love, Mom
Working at Patience
Every day is a constant amazement, but not in the way you might think. For me, I seem to have lost most of my patience. Does stress do that? I'm not sure there's any science to back me up, but it certainly is messing with my patience level. I know in my mind that I need to reduce my stress with deep breathing or exercise - or both! - but I just don't see to be able to get off my duff and do them. Maybe that has to do with the number of things that I feel need to be done. Or maybe I'm back at work too soon. I've scheduled a few days off in the coming weeks, because I feel like I need some space from work. But if I take too many days off in a row, there's a mess of stuff that needs doing when I get back and there's no relief from co-workers.
It's been amazing to me that life events can have such an effect on a person. My mind blanks out at odd moments. I find writing things down helps keep me a little more focused. I've never needed help with that before, but now ..... I do. Much more than what I would call the normal aging process. We all joke about walking into a room and forgetting what we're there for. For me, it's like someone slams a door and boom, no idea!
Yesterday in the dealership waiting room, a little old lady was talking loudly on her phone. Bless her, she probably had hearing issues, but it bothered me. Today, another one is on the phone while I'm trying to have a quiet lunch in McD's.
Where has my patience gone???
Because there are so many things going on right now, I'm going to make some changes: With my extra days off coming up, a little more walking each morning -- because the evenings are too hot right now! I'm going to keep a list of the little things that need to be worked on, and do just a piece of it each day. Even if you do only one portion of it, within days it could be completed! I scheduled an appointment with my doc to see if everything is OK, then to see if there's something that will help me sleep better at night. If my body and mind get a good rest, will the rest of the things fall in and become better as well? I'm hoping!
It's hard to believe that someone so in control of everything (yes, ME!) can so completely become at loose ends in everything else! I keep working my Sodoku puzzles every day so that my mind stays functioning. I'm reading stories (sometimes just to escape) and handbooks about dealing with loss to help keep my emotions on level ground.
It's hard work!
As I think about it all, I believe that handling stress in one or two areas of your life is easier if there is a portion of your life where you aren't handling stress. Right now, everything seems stressful; work was sometimes an escape for me, I can lose myself in getting my job done. Most of the time. But lately, I seem to be rubbed the wrong way by my coworker and it's making my work situation quite stressful.
Sometimes I just want the rollercoaster to stop so I can .... take a break!
But where would that break come from? At home, there's too many reminders, and things needing to be taken care of. At work .. well, that's not a good break! haha So I guess I'll just have to find it elsewhere, in between one and the other, find a little space for me.
Patience. Consistency. Hard Work.
That's life!
It's been amazing to me that life events can have such an effect on a person. My mind blanks out at odd moments. I find writing things down helps keep me a little more focused. I've never needed help with that before, but now ..... I do. Much more than what I would call the normal aging process. We all joke about walking into a room and forgetting what we're there for. For me, it's like someone slams a door and boom, no idea!
Yesterday in the dealership waiting room, a little old lady was talking loudly on her phone. Bless her, she probably had hearing issues, but it bothered me. Today, another one is on the phone while I'm trying to have a quiet lunch in McD's.
Where has my patience gone???
Because there are so many things going on right now, I'm going to make some changes: With my extra days off coming up, a little more walking each morning -- because the evenings are too hot right now! I'm going to keep a list of the little things that need to be worked on, and do just a piece of it each day. Even if you do only one portion of it, within days it could be completed! I scheduled an appointment with my doc to see if everything is OK, then to see if there's something that will help me sleep better at night. If my body and mind get a good rest, will the rest of the things fall in and become better as well? I'm hoping!
It's hard work!
As I think about it all, I believe that handling stress in one or two areas of your life is easier if there is a portion of your life where you aren't handling stress. Right now, everything seems stressful; work was sometimes an escape for me, I can lose myself in getting my job done. Most of the time. But lately, I seem to be rubbed the wrong way by my coworker and it's making my work situation quite stressful.
Sometimes I just want the rollercoaster to stop so I can .... take a break!
But where would that break come from? At home, there's too many reminders, and things needing to be taken care of. At work .. well, that's not a good break! haha So I guess I'll just have to find it elsewhere, in between one and the other, find a little space for me.
Patience. Consistency. Hard Work.
That's life!
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Every Little Story
Dear Brian,
It's been a moody week for me; I move from task to task as best I can, but multi-tasking is beyond me and each interruption is like a burr under a saddle -- irritating as all get out. My mind doesn't stay on any one thing, and I find I need to constantly check that I haven't lost or misplaced anything. I've already lost my debit card, a booklet that I read every day and found comforting. I set things down and can't remember where I left them, and I wander around doing tasks and only half complete them. Not that many of the chores at home matter -- if they don't get done today, tomorrow is another day!
The family is worried, so I promised to see my doc. That's next Thursday.
Today was the day I had the oil changed and tires rotated on the car at Earnhardt.
But in between the ordinary, every time I remember a story about you, I stop whatever I'm doing and write it down. I've been posting them on www.forevermissed.com/brian-court . Because I can't bear the thought that no one else will know you as well as I did. You were an awesome son, intelligent and humorous; you didn't show all these things to every person. You kept a lot of your thoughts to yourself, and let little bits shine through. Anyone who got to see those little bits was special!
Your Uncle Dave asked me for something of yours to have. It was easy enough to decide. The knife that was your grandfather's ... he has that now and will pass it to Christopher or Anthony some day. I also sent him a guitar pick, and your shot glasses from the Corvette factory - he collects shot glasses! As I was gathering up things, I noticed your VW hot wheels with the Nickelodeon logo on it, he just bought himself a cute little VW to drive around town. He sent me a text and thanked me for sharing.
Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm thankful, it's been a long week. But work is messing with my schedule -- isn't it always that way in retail ?? So I'm off Saturday and Wednesday for the next two weeks. Ugh. Sadie misses you, and seems to be lonely when I'm at work. She wandered in your room and took a nap in there Tuesday.
Just a few tidbits to share with you!
I miss you always,
Love, Mom
It's been a moody week for me; I move from task to task as best I can, but multi-tasking is beyond me and each interruption is like a burr under a saddle -- irritating as all get out. My mind doesn't stay on any one thing, and I find I need to constantly check that I haven't lost or misplaced anything. I've already lost my debit card, a booklet that I read every day and found comforting. I set things down and can't remember where I left them, and I wander around doing tasks and only half complete them. Not that many of the chores at home matter -- if they don't get done today, tomorrow is another day!
The family is worried, so I promised to see my doc. That's next Thursday.
Today was the day I had the oil changed and tires rotated on the car at Earnhardt.
But in between the ordinary, every time I remember a story about you, I stop whatever I'm doing and write it down. I've been posting them on www.forevermissed.com/brian-court . Because I can't bear the thought that no one else will know you as well as I did. You were an awesome son, intelligent and humorous; you didn't show all these things to every person. You kept a lot of your thoughts to yourself, and let little bits shine through. Anyone who got to see those little bits was special!
Your Uncle Dave asked me for something of yours to have. It was easy enough to decide. The knife that was your grandfather's ... he has that now and will pass it to Christopher or Anthony some day. I also sent him a guitar pick, and your shot glasses from the Corvette factory - he collects shot glasses! As I was gathering up things, I noticed your VW hot wheels with the Nickelodeon logo on it, he just bought himself a cute little VW to drive around town. He sent me a text and thanked me for sharing.
Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm thankful, it's been a long week. But work is messing with my schedule -- isn't it always that way in retail ?? So I'm off Saturday and Wednesday for the next two weeks. Ugh. Sadie misses you, and seems to be lonely when I'm at work. She wandered in your room and took a nap in there Tuesday.
Just a few tidbits to share with you!
I miss you always,
Love, Mom
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