I Wish You Peace

Dear Brian,

It's Christmas Day.  The second hardest day I've ever had to endure.
Yesterday I melted down completely.
Today has been better, as long as I stick to my plan of house cleaning and laundry chores.

But knowing that you will never stroll through my front door ....
sorrow isn't a "big enough" word for it,
neither is grief.
They both seem to imply that they're either temporary, or will pass.
This isn't.

You're the only one who knew what this day was like before I lost you.
Now it's even worse.

My cousin and my sister both sent me a text to wish me Merry Christmas
along with my co-worker Rita.

Otherwise, another day spent like so many in the past.

I took down the gun rack you got from Doug one Christmas.
Maybe someone else will be able to use it.
I finally mailed off all your Legos.  They'll be cleaned up and repurposed to needy kids.
I'm hoping you like that thought.

I heard a song the other day, the chorus goes like this:

I wish you peace, I wish you love

I wish you blessings from above

We can try to make this world a kinder place

There is a lot that we can do

If we make our minds up to

All the loss and tears and pain

That seek release

I wish you peace

I hope you've found that peace, my son.

with all my love,

mom

Walmart Employee Doll

In my collection of weird things, 
I have this Walmart Employee Doll. 
Purchased when I lived in Ohio, working for Walmart #2441. She was priced at $6.97.  I bet I bought her on sale! Hehehe.

 But in checking the price on Amazon and Etsy,
she's now worth aprox. $25-$30.

To my daughter:  As you grow older, eventually
she may be worth enough $$ to pay for
a decent pizza.  hahaha



Yes.  I collect the oddest things!

One More Week

Dear Brian,

It's just one more week until Christmas, my first Christmas without you. 
And I can barely think about it, because it brings so much grief.
I find myself shopping, thinking "Ooo, Brian would like this!!"
and then I remember.

It makes me so sad.
and sometimes a little mad!
If only, if only, if only ......

In my heart of hearts, I would like to believe that I could have gotten you around this really difficult mountain that you were trying to deal with by yourself.   Or could I  ?

You held everything so close inside you in the last few weeks with you.

If only, if only, if only ......

The little tree is up in the living room.
I walk the neighborhood looking at light displays.
It momentarily makes me smile
but nothing is the same without you.

Love,

Mom

Holiday Trip

Dear Brian,

Yesterday I drove to see your sister and family.  Sans family.  The girls were at Steve's decorating Christmas cookies.  It was a little disappointing that I didn't get to see them, but I got the gifts delivered.  Left kinda early because I wanted to be home before dark. 

I'm guessing your sis is having a hard time with you gone.  OK, I'll admit it, we all are.  And we all handle it differently.  Grandma is having trouble missing Grandpa, Marge and Jim, and of course, you.  Me, I have noticed that I am in each moment, double checking myself so I don't leave my phone or debit card somewhere.   Not sure how it's affecting your sis, but I could tell she wasn't quite herself.  It's the little things.  She bought a new SUV and never bothered to tell me.  Which I found a little weird.  But whatever.  I raised the two of you to do for yourselves, to be independent.  And now that she's living her life, I can't have hurt feelings because she didn't tell me something. 

A few years back, when I mentioned going to a Goodwill store for something, she ranted at me about how she never wanted to buy clothing from there again because I ruined her by making her shop there as a kid.  Which wasn't altogether true.  We bought things from other stores for normal clothing, but just shopping for a real bargain at Goodwill -- it's like finding treasure!  She didn't see it that way for many years.  But now that she has kids .... her viewpoint is a little different.  I was surprised that she admitted it to me, but it felt good that she recognized how she was raised and how she is now.

We also talked about long term, and my moving to Tucson, but she doesn't plan on staying in her house, so I can't move there and be stuck when she decides it's time to move away.  :/   So here I am in our house, for now.  There may come a time when I move back to Cali to take care of Grandma.  Right now, she's doing OK on her own, but it's getting harder.  I just can't see moving now and ending up living there for another 20 years!  I don't enjoy Cali that much!!!

The holidays are a really busy time and I'm not enjoying it much, but I'm trying to force my way through it all, while trying to avoid what I think could be "landmines" -- triggers that bring all the pain and grief back to the surface.  I try not to watch the "feel good" movies because tears are so close to the surface.  I know that as far as life goes, I'm just going through the motions.  I try to keep up with taking pix and posting them.  A. mentioned that I hadn't created a CD in a long while ..... maybe with the new year, I will get back to it again.

There's not a day goes by that you aren't in my thoughts.
I missed you on the long car ride yesterday.
Sadie had to stay home because you weren't along to help keep her calm.
I decided that it's not safe for me to drive with her hopping around all the time.

Float a feather my way, I'm watching for them!
Love you!
Mom

Was It You?

Dear Brian,

Last Sunday, I was doing my normal laundry, in and out of the garage with loads of laundry.

The orange extension cord still hangs on the hook of the workbench, and was hanging there the entire time I wandered in and out of the garage.   I finished up the last load of jeans, took it all to my room and put it all away. 

I was done with laundry and most of the chores, the last thing was to take a bucket of cans to the recycle barrel.  When I opened the garage door, I saw the extension cord extended across the garage floor!!  About 6 feet of it was stretched out toward the big garage door.  How in the world did that happen???   It wasn't there the whole time I was doing laundry ... I would have noticed that!  And it didn't get "caught on something" or it would have pulled inward toward the house. 

So my question is:  Was it you???

I also took your advice and bought some 3/8" quarter rounds at Home Depot, and painted them red.  I just need to tack them into place along the kitchen backsplash.  It's kinda kitschy but that's ok.  The rest of the cabinets are old and there's not much I can do to update them, so I settle on kitschy.  lol

It's time to change the furnace filter, and the batteries in the smoke alarms. 
and you're not here to help!

I bought a carpet cleaner, and had to put it together myself, because
you're not here to help!

There's a big hole in my life, and in my heart, where you used to reside. 
And nothing takes your place.

I miss you
every.
single.
day.
Love,
mom

Someone Special

Dear Brian,

Here it is, the first holiday without you.  Thanksgiving.  A day when you think about all the things you're grateful for.  It was hard to think about you -- you wouldn't breeze in the front door this year. 

Because I work retail, that means I worked on Thanksgiving day - just like the past 10 years.  But that doesn't mean it's a day that's like any other day.  It's still a day to be grateful, and still a day that is celebrated, even though it may be on some other day.  For me, it was Saturday.  And that was a very difficult day.  I sat on the couch, TV running, but it felt like I was waiting for that moment when you'd come home.  And it didn't happen.  Simple things made me sad, and I cried for a little while because I miss you very much.

It was a rough work day, the store was busy both Thurs and Friday.  And our new management team decided that we all needed to work a 10 hour shift on Thurs .... until 11 pm!  I am a morning person, so that didn't work so well for me.

I thought of you often during the holiday, and found a little poem:

Those we love don't go away

they walk beside us every day

unseen, unheard but always near

still loved, still missed, and very dear.

I used that on the last page of the annual calendar I create and print for family each year.  And I hope it helps the rest of them like it does me, to remember that you're always as close as can be, because you're my son and I love you.

Love,
mom

Holiday Tree

Dear Brian,

The holidays are coming up really quick - like they always do!  I don't usually put up the tree, but I did this year.  I used the stairs you built for Sadie to set it on because I cant put it in the bay window -- that's Sadie's spot!  Not too many ornaments on it, but the lights are cheerful, and I need some of that.

I boxed up gifts for the family,  getting them ready to send off.  It's been an effort for me, but I have to make the effort.  Otherwise it would be too easy to just be a couch potato watching TV and doing nothing.

I also boxed up all your Legos. There's a website to print a sticker and send them back to the Legos folks; they recycle them to under privileged kids.  I thought that would be fitting for the huge box that you have.  I hope you approve. 

Work has been hectic and keeps me busy - sorta busy.  There's work to do, but when work runs low, it's hard to find "busy work" to keep going.  Used to be we could go home early when work was slow, but now if you clock in or out early, you get "points" against your attendance.  Accumulating points takes away from whatever quarterly bonus there might be.  It's pretty sad that it's all so black and white, with no input regarding the person or their circumstances.  Back in the 80s I told myself I wanted to work for a Fortune 500 company -- and now that I do?  Well, the grass isn't always greener ..... *sigh*

I force myself to keep busy so that I don't dwell on missing you.  And when I can't get up the gumption to keep busy, I don't do anything -- the TV keeps me company during those days.  Lately I've taken to watching MASH.  Not sure why I find that OK, but it works.  For now. 

I cooked bacon wrapped potatoes today ... makes the house smell terrific. They went well with the tri-tip burger I had for supper. 

Sadie has taken to sitting on my lap often, and I'm not sure why.  It's kinda cute, especially now that the cold weather is here -- it keeps me warm! 

I started a To Do list so that I can keep track of things I think need to be taken care of, and being able to cross things off the list makes it feel as if I'm getting things accomplished. 

Because we're all working "Brown Thursday", I'll get my 15% discount next Friday.  I have a list of things I'd like to get then, including a carpet cleaner for pets.  Going out and renting the Rug Doctor isn't so easy when you're not here to help. 

I miss you every day, not just for doing things, but your humor, your laughter and the joy of having another person in the house.   I'd better close this and get ready for bed -- tomorrow will be a long shift from noon to 11pm.  YICK

love,
mom

Good People

Dear Brian,

Another hurdle gotten over today .... I spent my lunch hour at Chase bank.  There was a terrific rep there named Jerome.  He was SO patient and spent an hour on the phone trying to get the main office to release your checking account.   What a process!  My first trip was July 27 to your branch, and after all was said and done, I was told I had to wait until 30 days had gone by.   I went back two weeks later, and was told there was a hold on your account and they would call me back ..... and never did.  After that I gave up.

But there is a Chase branch in the parking lot of my store, so I popped in there today -- it took me a while to screw up my courage to get through this whole process!!

Thank goodness for Jerome White!!   Chase Bank has a really good employee in this man. He treated me with respect and dignity and explained each step as he was on the phone with several people on the other end.  By the end of my work day, it was all resolved. 

Sometimes you have to wait, or search out a good person.  They are out there, just be patient.
So thankful for Jerome and how he stepped up to help me!!

Love,
Mom

Tumbling Tumbleweeds

I'm at a low point again.  For days now, my mind keeps wandering to my son, and circumstances, and that's rough on me.  Add to it, I'm on a streak of working six days in a row, today was day 4.  Normally, there are enough of us to cover when one is on vacation, but another member of my team called off sick for two of those days.  Add to it when I had my one day off on Wednesday, the guy who filled in for me .... well, let's just say that he thinks he knows more than he really knows.  Most of my Thursday was spent correcting errors.  *sigh*   It's funny how when things go bad, they really do.

On top of it, I'm trying to work on my health and eating habits in order to drop some weight.  But it's a huge struggle.  When it comes down to it, my days are so jam packed that I don't know where to get the time to do all that needs doing.  I get up and get ready for work each day in less than 30 minutes. Then I have to walk Sadie, that's another 12-15 minutes.  My drive to work is now taking a little over 25 minutes now, because the population here is growing by leaps and bounds. 

After 10 hours at my workplace, I drive another 30 minutes home, sometimes more, because it's "snowbird season".  If I'm lucky, I've cooked over the weekend and just have to warm up a meal of broccoli, brown rice and chicken.  I try to eat peacefully but Sadie has other ideas.  She's been home alone 10+ hours and wants attention.  Sadly, some days I tend to buy her off with treats so I can have a moments' peace.  After dinner, it's dash around and do what chores I can in 15 minutes; I load Sadie into her stroller and off we go for a 30 minute walk.  And yes, I push her in the stroller because without it, we end up doing a sniff and stroll and that does nothing for me and my health.  Home again, it's time to jump in the shower, do all the normal daily ablutions that need to be done and crawl tiredly into bed. 

I don't sleep well at night, and sometimes Sadie needs to get up and go out 3-4 times ... ugh.

Today took the cake, however.  I was strolling along with Sadie down residential streets that are normally quiet.  Because of the driveway humps, I walk in the street.  Some motard was sitting in his car on the wrong side of the street; he pulled out and turned to make a u-turn right in front of me and Sadie.  Adding this little inconsideracy to my bad day and I broke down and cried the rest of the way home. 

I'm tired.
and it occurs to me that maybe I'm close to the last straw.

I don't take the time to do the things that I want to be doing. 
And when or if I get the notion to attempt one thing or another,
after about 5 or 10 minutes, I lose interest.   When I watch TV,
it's old shows that bring comfort:  MASH, Brady Bunch. 
For a long while it was Blue Bloods, but Netflix took that off. 
DVDs are on my Christmas Wish List! ha!

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow ... I'm overdue!

**singing along**  :    I know when night has gone
That a new world's born at dawn!
I'll keep rolling along
Deep in my heart is a song
Here on the range I belong
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds

Grief Hits Hard

Every now and then, grief just hits me hard. 

I think I'm doing fine, that things are getting better,
and then whammy!

I was driving home,
and "Carry on My Wayward Son"
came on the radio.

I sang along until
I couldn't sing any more
and the tears started.

I miss my son every day.
Some days more than others.

I know it will get better at times,
and that there will be hard times as well.
It's all part of the process.

Time heals.

Love,
Mom

Could Haves, Should Haves

Dear Brian:

Here it is, four months later.  And it still hurts like it was yesterday.  At least some of the shock has worn off.  But I'm still bothered ... plagued, even ... by thoughts about what I could have done different, should have done different. 

How I wish I had taken the time to get you to talk to me. Your whole life, you always were difficult to get things out of you.  Like the time I came home from work and found you in the backyard, throwing our little camping ax into the palm tree trunk.  You were taking out your frustrations because your SSI income had been cut in half, just when you thought things were going well.  It took a while for you to tell my why you were "punishing" our tree. 

When there was a problem or issue that needed to be discussed, it took you a bit to screw up your courage to say it out loud.  You'd walk into the room, and look at me.  I could tell by the look on your face that you had something important to say.  You'd let out two or three sighs, and I learned to wait, to give you the space to be able to say what needed saying.   It was my hope that it would get easier for you as you got older, that you would learn that there was no problem that couldn't be solved, no weight that was too heavy to bear, once you shared the burden.  It was always difficult for you.  I couldn't change that.

When you moved back in with me, I tried to give you space.  I knew how you felt some kind of ... shame? disgrace? .... to move back home.  So I was hoping that you'd feel as if you were a roommate and not my son.  I gave you space, I didn't pry or question things.  I waited for you to tell me in your own good time how things were going. 

Now  ...........   I wish I could change that.

I will always blame myself for that part of it, not recognizing the depth of things within you.

But that blame is not only my own.  I put part of it on the exGF.  When you and she got together, you seemed so happy.  She could drive where you couldn't; you were going out and doing fun things and you deserved that!  But something changed, or she changed.  From my viewpoint, it seemed like she was having ... problems, and you felt the need to fix them.  But they couldn't be fixed.  One thing I've learned (the hard way!) is that you can't fix someone else, and especially so when they don't want to be fixed!!   I saw the changes in you, but you seemed so determined to "stick it out".  There are no prizes for "sticking it out" whether it's good or bad.  *sigh*

There are so many little things I could point out, point to, and wish I could change things, go back in time and help you through some of the rougher spots of life. 

I will always carry these burdens, this blame, the guilt. 
And I can't think of a way to let it go.
Forgive me, son, for not stepping in and helping you more.
I love you. Always.
Mom

Lazy Gal Feeling Low

I haven't been writing as much as I like, or maybe as much as I need to.  It's not easy to get the computer fired up and commit myself to doing things that, quite frankly, I did on a daily basis .... before.

Right now, most of the things I think about, or do, are placed in the category of "before" and "after".  Which makes me feel very low, but I can't seem to help it. 

Last week, I loaded up a few more things and took them to Goodwill.  I went through everything twice before taking it over.  I wanted to make sure I didn't get rid of anything that had any sort of emotional attachment to it.  But I got it done.  There's now a little more room in the garage.  I wander through the garage, or my son's room, and sometimes a wave of sadness sweeps over me; sometimes it's more a feeling not being able to deal with it and I have to go sit down and watch TV -- something that takes my mind off everything else, allows me to think about anything other than my son being gone.  Sometimes I sit in the chair, half expecting him to walk through the door again.  When that happens, I know that it's going to be a long day. 

The one thing I've noticed is that there are very few people I can talk to about my son.  That makes me really sad.  I understand it.  It makes my mom very sad to think about him.  My brother is very emotional and can't handle it.  My daughter does OK but she's a busy Mom and doesn't always have time.  I find that this blog has been the best outlet for me.  But sometimes I feel like I'm being a broken record -- I realize that my son's death has defined my life and changed things irrevocably.

My motivation is less now, there's only me.  It has changed things. 
And I can feel the difference in me. 

I don't like it much, but I can't change it. 
And I shouldn't have to. 

I go to work to fill my days. 
I come home and take the dog on long walks
to fill my evenings. 
Nights are the longest if I can't sleep.

With any luck, this will shift as I move through the first year of this life changing event.

A Mother's Love

Not a day passes that I am not reminded of my son, or think of something I want to tell him, or ask him to do for me.  It hurts like hell.

I get busy and go to work, and the day passes.

I come home and walk Sadie, make supper, and head for bed, and the evening passes.

Repeat these steps. 
Over and over.

It makes the time pass, but it doesn't change what's inside.
Most of the time, its just the pain of losing someone.
Sometimes, it's not wanting to do all of these things alone.
And every now and then, it's full on anger.

I raised an awesome son.  He was always willing to do whatever needed to be done, and sometimes would do things that didn't need doing.  He did them any way.  In that way, he was a lot like my father.  He might not have said the words, but his actions said "I love you" with everything in him.

I watched my son's attitude and demeanor diminish over time as he tried living life with another family.  Good-hearted people often get taken advantage of by others who aren't as good-hearted as themselves.  In my own "theory of life" there are givers and there are takers.  Givers give of themselves at every turn, and have a hard time believing that others don't think like they do.  Takers do what they can, take what they need, to fill whatever void they're trying to fill.  And they're smart enough to know how to take advantage of those givers who cross their paths.   My son's downfall was his pride; he hated to admit that things weren't going well, so he stayed.   In that way, he's like his mother. 

When I was married, it wasn't working; neither of us was growing, it was more existing.  But back then, you stayed married "for the kids".  I was so prideful, that I couldn't admit that it wasn't going well, that things were falling apart, so we went from day to day to day ......   In the end that just didn't work and we divorced.  Telling my parents was the hardest thing ever.  I was sure I would be "judged".   But just like I would have told my son, my parents told me that they loved me, and would support me in any decision I made. 

Which brings up the recurring theme of "if only's..."

I can't do it over again, and I can't change what's been.

I can only keep on going, and keep remembering all the good.

No matter his choice, I loved my son then, and love him still.

Good Will

Dear Brian,

Yesterday I went through all the boxes of your things we'd put in the garage. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting rid of anything that I felt was important to keep.  Now that there's been some space and time since you died, my perspective is a little better.  But we'd done a good job of keeping things, and knowing what didn't need to keep.  A lot of your shoes and clothing was boxed, along with the one lone golf club and your microphone stand.  Neither I nor Tanya would be using it, or wanting it.  I know I certainly wouldn't be playing in a band and singing for folks!!  (Ha!)

After I'd gone through them again, I left them sitting in the garage.  About two hours later, I was like "What am I waiting for?  Why am I waiting?" and went into the garage and loaded up one trunk full.  Today, I dropped it off at the Goodwill store.  I'm sure there will be people who need or can use some of your things.  No sense in letting them just sit here and do nothing. 

But it wasn't easy.

My fear was always that you'd be forgotten ... and parting with your things means less of "you" is here.  And it hurts.  There's a huge hole in my heart, in my being, that used to be occupied by you.

Sometimes it's just a small ache.  Sometimes it hurts so much I get a belly ache. 

I thought it would soothe a few of the raw places by taking a trip to Grandma's, but that was very difficult.  Mostly because you and I traveled there often, together. 

Each day goes by and I can get lost in being busy.
But once I finish with *stuff*, and I'm alone with my thoughts,
it gets difficult once again.

The one question I ask over and over is "Why couldn't you stay??"

I miss you very much.
Love, Mom

A Tear Fell (LDPoetry)

Dear Brian,


a tear fell today
trickled down my cheek
and washed away a little pain
one drop at a time

like rains that caress
and shape the mountains,
a tear shapes and eases my hurt
one drop at a time

a tear fell today
sliding slowly down my face
and takes a small piece of hope
one drop at a time

like streams that trickle
moving rock down mountainsides
pieces of hope tumble away
one drop at a time

i know there will come a day
when pain is gone, hope returns
and my tears slow down
one drop at a time

There are days when I cannot let go of an image in my mind of you, and it haunts me at every turn.  It's not every day, or all day long, but lingers there like a shadow that doesn't go away.   At times I want to scream out "NOOooooo!!!"  and "Come baaaaaaack!!"   but I know that it won't change a thing.  

I had pizza for lunch today, and I thought of you.  

Not that I don't think of you every day, 

but sometimes there are things that make me think of you even more.  

Pizza, of course, is one of those things!  

Grocery shopping completed, I'm boiling chicken for supper, and hoping Sadie lets me sit in some sunshine this afternoon.  Her obsession of riding in the stroller has increased, and she whines at me to go.  Usually around 5:30pm every day!  lol silly dog

I love you.  Always.

Mom

Vacations and Age

Vacations are terrific.  Vacations take you away from the normal routine and give you something new to look at and experience.   But let's face it, vacations are also a lot of work.  When you're single and old like me, there are so many things to deal with.  It stressed me out to put Sadie in a PetHotel; it stressed both Sadie and I out when I got out the suitcase to pack.   Traveling always stresses me out as well.  I *hate* using airplane toilets and try my best to avoid it at all costs. 

Just five years ago, in 2014, I traveled to Cali and back again once a month.  But it was easier then.  My son was here, stayed with Sadie whenever I went.  I could rest easy that someone would be at the house, and Sadie would be well cared for.   But no more.  I miss that.

Putting Sadie in a PetHotel was an experiment to see if I could swing the whole travel thing on my own, and for the most part, I think I can do it.  Four nights was just a bit long, but would go better if I change up Sadie's diet so that she eats more nuggets and less wet food. 

And I'm rambling.

I had a little bit of a breakdown today; I miss my son, and I was tired from traveling, and it all converged at once.  After a crying jag, I put Sadie in the stroller and took a walk to shake it off.

It worked.  Mostly.

Country Music

Dear Brian,

Raising you, it wasn't an actual goal that I set regarding the type of music that would appeal to you.  That you liked 70s and 80s hair bands was great!  .... well, maybe it's what you grew up on.  But country music also held an appeal, I know.  For me, the older I get, the more I feel like I need and want to get back to my "roots".  I grew up on country music - Johnny Cash, Tammy Wynette and George Jones, Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner - too many to name here, but the 60s and 70s stick in my mind.

A new comer to country music is Craig Morgan.  His 19 year old son died it a boating accident, and he wrote a beautiful song that really fits:

I've been beat up

I been pushed and shoved

But never ever really knocked down

Between mom and dad, Uncle Sam and friends

I somehow always pulled out

But the pain of this was more

Than I'd ever felt before, yeah I was broke

I cried and cried and cried

Until I passed out on the floor

Then I prayed and prayed and prayed

Till I thought I couldn't pray anymore

And minute by minute, day by day

My God, He gave me hope

I know my boy ain't here but he ain't gone

In the mornings I wake up, pet the dog, head to the kitchen

Pour a cup of wake-me-up and try to rouse up some ambition

Go outside, sit by myself but I ain't alone

See, I've got the Father, my son, and the Holy Ghost

I hope, I love, I pray, I cry

I heal a little more each day inside

I won't completely heal till I go home

In the mornings I wake up, pet the dog, head to the kitchen

Pour a cup of wake-me-up and try to rouse up some ambition

Go outside, sit by myself but I ain't alone

I've got the Father, my son, and the Holy Ghost

One day I'll wake up and I'll be home

With the Father, my son, and the Holy Ghost

When I'm here at home, I can feel you
Sometimes I turn and expect to find you there
Other times I find myself telling you to "c'mere"
and give me a hand.
How I miss you.
For some reason, even more today.

One day, I'll wake up and be home.
With you.

Love,
Mom

Someone's Missing

Dear Brian, 

You should be here. 

Love, Mom 

30 years Ago: Loma Prieta

It was 30 years ago today, at 5:040pm.  The World Series was the Bay Bridge Series:  SF Giants vs the Oakland A's.  With a huge roar, the ground began shaking and rolling.

For me, I was in the middle of some radiation therapy.  I had left work and driven from San Jose to Palo Alto's Stanford University Hospital.  I was making my way down into the basement floor to the Radiology Department.  Walking down that long corridor, most people had left for the day; a few technicians were in their places, but I didn't see anyone once the ground started shaking.  I made my way back to my car after the ground stopped rocking and rolling.  I drove home down freeways that were eerily empty.  Highway 280 from PA to Santa Clara was a long slow drive.  Several places of this freeway showed cracks and buckled asphalt.  I drove slowly, avoiding what I could of the debris and such.

By the time I reached town, there was no power, no street lights.  Again, driving slow, making my way down familiar roads that now looked very unfamiliar because of the debris, and lack of the usual traffic.  It took me nearly 2 hours to drive what normally takes about 30 minutes.

I arrived at my Mom's, where my kids were.  They were all safe, no major damages here.  I decided to drive to my apartment, to see what damages were.  Pictures fell from the walls, knick knacks tumbled over, but things were pretty well there.  I gathered up extra clothes for me and the kids, and headed to my boyfriend's house for the night.  Things were fine at his house, as well.  Still no power, but he had a generator.  We hooked it up and turned on the TV, watching all the terrible images as they were made available.  We didn't sleep most of the night, watching as the Bay Bridge had a section collapse.  And in Oakland, a section of a double decker pancaked onto the lower deck and many were trapped in the mess.

This was a disaster of epic proportions.
Yet the people stepped up, helped a neighbor wherever they could.

Everyone in the Bay Area can answer the age old question:
Where were you when the earth quaked??

Grandma's

Dear Brian,

I'm here, at Grandma's, and it's not the same without you.  

We walked into the backyard, we are looking at the big tree in the backyard .... 

and wondering what's going to happen.  

It's been "our" chore for many years, 

and now you're not here.

And it makes me sad.

There are many little chores that Grandma was saving for you.  

I helped her with some of them today. 

Then we dashed to Target -- because Walmart was too far -- and picked up some batteries, and some socks.  Yep, really exciting!

The rest of the day was chilly so we stayed indoors and watched "Country Music" by Ken Burns.  Very good, very well done, very enjoyable.  Loved seeing the old stars!

Miss you every day,

but even more here at Grandma's. 

Love you always,

Mom

It's Feathers!

Dear Brian,

It's Saturday, my day off, and there were so many things I thought to tell you, and now they've slipped my mind.  I've got a bad case of old-timers these days, and I'm not sure why.  OK.  I think I know why:  so many changes going on, and with them, a resistance to change for me.  As I get older, I'm more and more resistant to change.  But that's the new norm, so I have to get used to it.

Charlie is home from the hospital; Joe from across the street came over and we had a good chat.  He's the one who took the turtle - says it's doing well in his new home!  He took your .22 off my hands, and I'm happy it's no longer in the house.  We talked about the neighborhood and how things have been going.  I told him how I was a bit nervous after walking Sadie the other night.  He told me that the house cameras he has are set up to see the entire street, so he's been watching out, and that if I am ever nervous again, to come get him and he'll have a look around. 



I got a text from A yesterday. 
He was at a function in town, and writes: 

"Found this in the chair I sat on this morning... (a feather).

Took it off, threw it on the floor.

Went to check the schedule

And it was back on the chair

when I came back.

Brian is here with me" 

Thanks for letting us know that you're with us

in spirit, watching over. 

I miss you every day.

When I see someone on a bike, I do a double take

thinking I'll see you again.

I know in my mind it won't be you

but my heart wishes it was.

I'll be watching for your feathers!

Love,

Mom

One Foot in Front of the Other

One foot in front of the other.
A good mantra to get through each and every day
when your life's purpose has changed.

So many changes in my work place, and so many other changes at home now.  Last weekend, I rearranged the work bench in the garage.  I don't use the open end wrenches and other tools that my son used.  Now it's more basic:  hammer, saw, hacksaw, screwdriver are all in their places on the pegboard.  Gone are the bits and pieces of junk that accumulated over the years.  I know Brian knew what each one of those pieces were for, but I didn't.  He liked to listen to music when he was out there working, but the radio he used was gone, so today I took down the speakers.  I like music when I work, but I don't need it so loud! 

I struggle every day, though, to put one foot in front of the other.  When I'm at work, there are things that need to be done.  But when I'm all caught up, it's difficult to keep putting one foot out there.  When I'm at home?  Yikes, it's even harder.  I'm an early morning person, and got my walk done, my bed sheets washed and back on the bed, breakfast eaten, raked around the bushes out front, dug on my stump again (just a little every day until it's gone!)  and when I sat down, it was like 9:30am. 

*sigh*  then there's the rest of the day to contend with. 

I have projects.  This nice thing about projects is that they're something to keep you busy.  The bad part of projects that have a lot of components is that everything is sitting out and I feel guilty when I don't do a little bit each day. 


But some days, I just don't have it in me. 


I read, and have folks tell me, that this will pass eventually.
But it's so hard.
Today I sat down to have breakfast, and fell asleep.
I'm sure that is related to not sleeping well at night.

I dreamed that Brian was at a Walmart with me.  We were both stocking from a cart in the lunchmeat aisle.  He tried to see me and looked around one side of the cart and I tucked to look at him from the other side.  It felt like we just couldn't connect.  Maybe that's a part of it.  A little bit of him lets go every time something else comes up (like finding tidbits of junk in the garage).  As I prepared for his Celebration of Life ceremony, my biggest fear -- and still is -- is that he will be forgotten.  I keep mentioning this, it comes to mind often, and I just don't seem able to stop it.  Maybe that's my own brain telling me that I didn't write something, or share a photo, often enough and I need to do more.

For me, it's like this little blog.  I write because it's who I am.  Some day, maybe someone will know "the real me" because I don't hold much back.  And it's the same with writing down Brian's stories -- maybe someday someone will know him like I did. 

Nothing takes away the hurt,
but with each passing day,
it's just a little less.

Letter of Updates

Dear Brian,

It's Tuesday today, and I'm off work tomorrow, which makes this sort of my Friday?  and it feels odd not to eat pizza  (haha old family joke!)  Moments go by, sometimes hours even, when the entire hurt of thinking about you isn't first and foremost on my mind.  And therein lies my original fear:  that you will be forgotten.  Truthfully, I know that you're not forgotten by anyone, but like me, they're moving on with their lives and stop using the internet as a touchstone to your accounts.  But it doesn't stop me from making sure my thoughts are written down. 

I once thought that they would be here for you and Tee to read when I'm gone; that my so called "wisdom" would be passed down.  Or that you would know more about me than ever before.  Now that you're in heaven, I'm assuming you know it all now. 

My thoughts are muddled at the moment because I was awake at 1:40 am, and didn't fall back asleep until after 4am.  So I'm tired after working all day, and the Melatonin I take to help me sleep kicks in quickly. 

I'm traveling to Grandma's next week.  I'm sure trimming the tree will be a part of the agenda.  It will be extremely difficult to be there without you.  Sadie will stay in a Pet Hotel, because I can't drive with her in the car any longer, so I'm flying in and out.  Short trip, but needed.  I told the family that I don't want to "do" stuff when I'm there.  I'm content to just hang out and actually rest.  I'm going to bring Grandma a puzzle, and all the old Dr Seuss books for Zane. 




I look at your photos often,
even watch the video I made
now and then. 
I still have a hard time watching the portion
of you playing Freebird. 

How I miss you. 

Every single day.



Love,
Mom

The Feather

On a normal day off, I end up doing household chores - because owning a home means there is *always* something that needs be done.  Sunday, I was in and out of the backyard, trimming a bush, cleaning the patio, just letting Sadie out.  Things were cleaned up and looking good.

Late in the afternoon, I was letting Sadie out and I noticed a feather standing straight up in the rocks. Right where I found Brian on the day he died.  I was shocked and my mouth dropped open, I looked left and right, then back at the feather.  I couldn't help staring as I felt myself covered in goose bumps. 

I grabbed my camera and immediately took a photo so I didn't think I was imagining it.

Today, I checked on Google and found:  "Additionally, white is the color of angels, and thus if you see a white feather, it is the angel feather, a sign of protection and faith.  Seeing a white feather could be a direct communication from the angel to pass a message from your deceased loved ones, that they are well and safe in heaven".

This makes me smile.
I'd be happy to know that my son is safe and well in heaven.

I love you always, Brian!

Love, Mom

Avoiding My Thoughts

Good intentions are only good if one follows through with them.  I intended to take a long walk, but cut it shorter than intended.  It's a day of chores - laundry, cleaning, changing bed linen - and yet I struggle with doing things. I realized as I stepped out into the backyard that I seek out small chores, something that can be done quickly, and that I'm avoiding anything that could take too long.

And then I ask myself, "Why?"

The obvious answer is because of the loss of my son.

But is that the only reason?   Sure, it's the main reason, but I'm beginning to think that doing things moves me away from Brian and that's uncomfortable.  I know I felt that way when I was working and rearranging in the back yard.

It's the same feeling I have when I sit down at the computer.  I don't do all the things I used to do, and why am I avoiding them??  It's always been a passion, and an outlet of sorts, but lately .. ugh.  My thought was because it forces me to become aligned with my thoughts.

And I'm avoiding them, it seems.

Too much thinking = too much feeling = sadness and grief.  And it's much easier to allow it to happen in smaller bits or chunks rather than all at once.  Maybe that's not the best way, but it's my way.  My son wanted me to be strong, to be happy, and to carry on.  But it can be overwhelming, knowing that I'll be carrying on alone.   A big reason for buying this house was knowing that he would be around to help me with maintenance and fixing things.


I feel as if I'm carrying around this huge bucket with me all the time.  I know that what's in the bucket is sorrow and grief.  But who knew that it could weigh so much.  Acknowledging all this to myself is another step in the right direction. 

Small steps to alleviate avoiding my thoughts.
one day at a time.

Because God didn't promise days without pain ....

Avoiding the Obvious

"Losing a loved to suicide is one is one of life's most painful experiences. The feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness experienced after any death of a loved one are often magnified in suicide survivors by feelings of quilt, confusion, rejection, shame, anger, and the effects of stigma and trauma. Furthermore, survivors of suicide loss are at higher risk of developing major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal behaviors, as well as a prolonged form of grief called complicated grief."     "Individuals most closely related to the deceased are usually those most adversely affected by the death."    --https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Just doing a little research today because I keep wondering if I'm avoiding the obvious.  Am I filling my days at home doing "projects" to keep myself busy so I don't sink into some kind of oblivion?  I found comfort in reading :  "Feelings of anguish and despair may initially seem everpresent but soon they occur predominantly in waves or bursts—the so-called pangs of grief—brought on by concrete reminders of or discussions about the deceased. Once the reality of the loss begins to sink in, over time, the waves become less intense and less frequent."

That's been one of my worries.  That this state of "waves" will always be there.  For most, it seems they dissipate with time -- and probably some measure of acceptance.   "Suicide survivors often face unique challenges that differ from those who have been bereaved by other types of death.  In addition to the inevitable grief, sadness, and disbelief typical of all grief,  overwhelming guilt, confusion, rejection, shame, and anger are also often prominent."   This is totally true.  It's hard enough telling someone that my son died.  It's even harder telling someone that it was death by suicide.  Which leaves feelings that are bottled up, held inside.  And that's not healthy.

The inability to discuss it at all comes from the ultimate unanswerable question:  "What kind of mother doesn't notice their child acting in a way that leads them to choose this?"  I've gone over and over every moment from when he moved back home with me to the morning I waved goodbye to him for the last time ... with no real answer.

I have found some relief in being physical:  morning and afternoon walks, working out in the yard, even cleaning the house helps.  But it's when I sit down, when I take a moment to myself, or when I lay down to sleep that it all comes back.  I've spent more than my share of sleepless nights since then.  My mind busily runs through scenarios -- but nothing changes.  Acceptance is a hard place to find. 

The option of moving to a new city has sprung up. 
But can I leave the house where I have the most memories of my son? 
Right now, that answer is no.
I'm hoping and praying that with time will come acceptance and healing. 
I know the pain and heartache I feel will never totally go away.
But with time, it will be less of a burden.

Coping

Many people are affected when someone chooses death by suicide.  Family members are left with what feels like a million unanswerable questions.  There will never be answers that leave us feeling like we understand.  For my own self, I have these same unanswered questions.  But I'm also the one who found my son.  As if that wasn't shock enough, I'm also the one the suicide note was addressed to.  And no one -- not one single person -- has the right to tell me what I should feel, or what I can talk about.  You don't have to listen.  You don't have to read this.  This is for *me* and my own coping.

If you're reading this and feeling as if a finger is being pointed, then maybe you should look into some mental health help of your own.  Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC). Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)

Sorry, but I'm just a bit mad right now.  Someone decided that I shouldn't be writing about suicide, or maybe they meant I shouldn't be writing about the one that happened in my life.  "So sorry for your loss ..." is a trite statement.  I get it -- it's not easy finding words when something tragic has happened, but don't tell me what I should and shouldn't write.  You may disagree with my opinion, you may correct me if I'm inaccurate in quoting facts.  You may even submit your own opinion.  But this is my blog, this is my outlet, and this is my life.  I'm sorry someone feels that some descriptives were too much to handle.   Too bad.

My son was my number one priority in every decision; because of his vision impairment, he had many more challenges than others.  If he needed something, I was there with a helping hand -- or whatever else was needed.  This house was chosen because of it's size and location with him in mind, along with so many other decisions, in order for him to have a successful, independent life.

We all need a way to cope when there's a loss, when there's grief.
I have always been a writer; I've been doing this blog for 10+ years.
It has been a tremendous help in so many ways,
and will continue to be my outlet.

If you're offended .... lose my bookmark please!

A Little Bit Mad

Dear Brian:

I'm a little bit mad at you today.  I had to call to have some plumbing work done.  And it's all stuff you've done in the past.  I miss your not being here to help me take care of this house that I fully intended to be yours.  While it was costly to have them come out, I'm stuck having to have someone who knows something come out and check things over.  For $100 they inspected each and every water faucet and valve in the house.  BTW,  they said your job under the kitchen sink and dishwasher installation was dandy.  But I already knew that!  :)

I know in my own kind of logic that I am not in a place to make major decisions.  I'm having a hard enough time deciding to drive to Grandma's for a vacation.  If the drive is stressful, I'll be stopping halfway.  Which makes for a shorter trip at her house, but better for me.  I guess it's the conundrum of the decision making process as one gets older.  I'm too young to be retired, but too old to do some of the things I've been doing .... *sigh*

I'm starting to think that I need to be in Tucson, closer to Tanya, someone who can help "take care of me" ....  as I get a little bit older.  Which is coming on way too fast!

It's been difficult, this transition, and I'm finding that I need less stuff.  Parting with your things hasn't been easy.  I find myself making decisions on whether or not it's something of yours that brings a smile or a memory to mind.  If it doesn't, then out it's going.  Sounds a bit harsh, and believe me, it's much more difficult for me than I made it sound. 

It all hurts so much. 
you're not here to share the funny little things
you're not here to share the load
you're not here to share your smiles
you'll never walk through that front door again

and i miss it. so very much.
surviving someone's suicide is one of the hardest things ever
i love you
mom

Some Days

Dear Brian,

These past months haven't been easy for me.  I know you chose your own way, but that was only easy in the moment.  In the long haul ... it isn't. 

Each decision is a struggle.  I pick up something and think:  Have I used this in a year?  Do I think I will need this in the future?  And then there's the whole other part of it:  Does this bring to mind any important memories?   Sometimes I just shake my head, unable to make a decision, and put the item down, knowing that I'll have to, or need to, deal with it in the future at some point.

I've been working on the backyard, trying to make it less work-y and more self sustaining.  I've gotten rid of several of the things growing in pots.  Last week, the tub of charcoal and old planting soil was tossed.  This week, the BBQ is gone. I haven't used it since you moved out.  I don't foresee myself firing up coals and stuff to cook a couple of burgers for myself.  It's just too much trouble for one person.  I'm debating the fire pit.  I didn't use it last year but once.  Maybe this year I will make the effort to use it more.  We'll see.

Sometimes I just sit in your bedroom and look around.  There are a few things that probably should be changed, but not yet.  There's a John Deere tractor that Grandpa gave you; I'm thinking of giving that to Zane.  Something from his great grandfather, in a way.  I'm giving him the Dr Seuss books that no one has ever read at my house.  I had a few for when Brianna was a baby, but she moved to AZ while we were still in Ohio, so that didn't happen. 



It's funny, the way we see
our future mapped out
versus what really happens.

You know what they say: 
If you want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans .....


Every day, I struggle with the grief of
losing you.  I know that it will be with
me always, and that's hard to take
some days.





Glitter reminds me of when I was making vases for Tanya's wedding.
I swear, I was finding glitter in odd little corners for years after!

I know that I will feel, experience grief for a long, long time.
Some days I have moments where it doesn't weigh me down.
Some days I have moments where it does.
Some days I let myself cry it out.
Some days I sit in your room and remember everything about you.
Some days I wonder if I can leave this house.
Some days I wonder if I will leave this house.
Some days I wonder what you're doing, and if you're watching over us.
Other days I don't have to wonder.

Missing you always.
Mom

Brian's Stuff

The things left behind when someone dies can be a great comfort to those who were left behind.

I know my mom has some of her mother's things, and they will be passed to me and my sister, and then in my own case, on to my daughter and granddaughter. 

The things left behind by Brian are a huge comfort to me.  But what will happen later on when I'm gone?  Maybe my daughter will want some of it, but Brian had no children to pass these things to.  His memory will be ... well, the memory only lasts as long as the people who remember you.

I think this is my biggest fear - if that's the right word - that no one will remember my son. I know they won't remember him as well as I do.  He lived with me 30 of his 33 years.  We were close the last 10 of those years.

When I look at the wall I created with his Tshirts and things .... sitting in there, I contemplate all the things we did together, all the things that we dreamed of doing, things that created his history.  While I was his mother, mom and Ma, he was my handyman, Mr Fixit and general helper when something needed to be done.  

Some days, a song or a thought, a TV show or driving past something can bring tears to my eyes, and I start missing him all over. 

My son Brian, Forever Missed.

Miss You

Dear Brian,

How much I miss your smiling face and your sense of humor.  You didn't often share those with the whole world, just the people you were close to.  I miss the sound of your voice and how you would fix things when they needed to be fixed.  (by the way, my shower valve is acting up .... )

I dreamed of you last night.  We must have been saying goodbye, because I held you tight and cried until you had to go.  For some odd reason, you were wearing a flannel shirt. hehehe  Familiar for Ohio, definitely not necessary for Arizona! 

There was some kind of sonic boom last night around 1:30am.  It woke me up, and I felt the percussion of it.  It knocked my TV off, and all the street lights were out, even though the power stayed on.  After that, I couldn't go back to sleep.  Which means I'm extra tired today.  But maybe that will be good; I have a weird shift on Monday, 4am-1pm.  I don't know what my BigBox store is doing -- do you think HD would hire me?

With all you had going on with the ex GF, and working third shift for quite a while, you were definitely sleep deprived.  Moving back home wasn't what you wanted to do, but was necessary.  I'm sorry if you felt I pushed at you to be your "normal self" again.  I scrolled through your photos on FB and realized that in your time with the ex GF, you lost weight, and your hair and skin wasn't the same any longer.   All the stress and rough times was taking a toll.  If only .... 

I say that often to myself.  I relive scenes in my brain and wish for a different outcome each time....

I miss you.
I love you.
Mom

Brain-fuzzed

And now it's Wednesday again.  Seems like the only time I have moments to myself are my days off, but they become filled with chores ....

Today was the MVD trip to get my Travel ID.  Actually, it was an awesome experience!  I went in, bypassed the line of folks who were waiting (about 30 of them!) and walked over, scanned my appointment ticket for 8"40am, and looked around to find a seat where I could see the call board.  There wasn't even time to find the board before I heard the woman call my name, and I was "in".  I showed her my documents, she took my picture and $25, and I was all done and out the door at 8:50am!!  After that it was getting groceries, and I was home by 9:40.  Talk about an easy chores day!

But then I flounder with the rest of my day .... to do something physical? to rest? I ended up cooking a meatloaf and eggs for the next few mornings.  Another attempt at creating a healthier lifestyle.  Soon it will be cooler and I can resume walking after work; that should help too.

I started on my photo albums, going to scan the really great pix or the ones with a story behind them, but as I got them out, I realized that I'm missing an entire photo album - the one that covers 1978-1981.  But then again, I have so many that sorting them out isn't easy!  At first, they were all chronological, but then you add in a second marriage and step kids.  When the divorce happens, you start to pull all the photos that ... well, frankly, all those extra photos weren't necessary.  I shipped them off to the oldest sibling of that family to enjoy. 

But I'm still confuzzled about the missing photos! 

I'm hoping they turn up.

Fade to Black

Ever since Brian discovered the band Metallica, his favorite member was James Hetfield.  He wrote the lyrics to their song "Fade to Black".   At work today, my MP3 player going (because it's a holiday and things are quieter than usual), and I heard the song.  It has always moved me, and I imagine that it affected Brian as well.  

James Hetfield commented on the song in a 1991 interview with "Guitar World":   

That song was a big step for us. It was pretty much our first ballad, so we knew it would freak people out... Recording that song, I learned how frustrating acoustic guitar can be. You could hear every squeak, so I had to be careful. I wrote the song at a friend's house in New Jersey. I was pretty depressed at the time because our gear had just been stolen, and we had been thrown out of our manager's house for breaking shit and drinking his liquor cabinet dry. It's a suicide song, and we got a lot of flak for it, as if kids were killing themselves because of the song. But we also got hundreds of letters from kids telling us how they related to the song and that it made them feel better.

There is nothing harder on a family, and especially on a mother, when someone chooses death by suicide.  There are so many details that need to be addressed, and at the same time, there is this huge ugly "taboo" on the topic.  People don't want to discuss suicide or the person who chose it, as if it's catchy -- like a cold.   And maybe that's why it becomes the hardest part for those left behind:  no one wants to talk to about it, and you're left feeling like  no one cares, because of the lack of talk.  

I know that there's nothing I wouldn't give to have my son back.  But it's not going to happen. So I go on as best I can.  If you're not familiar with the tune, you can listen here .  Here are the lyrics to "Fade to Black" 

Life it seems to fade away

Drifting further everyday

Getting lost within myself

Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live

Simply nothing more to give

There is nothing more for me

Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be

Missing one inside of me

Deathly loss this can't be real

Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me

To the point of agony

Growing darkness taking dawn

I was me but now, he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late

Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed

Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

Goodbye

Never Stand Down

Dear Brian,

No matter what day it is, most days aren't easy.  When I'm at work, I'm wishing I could be working on things at home; when I'm at home, I'd be happy to be at work having something to do that doesn't remind me of you every where I turn.

I've finally been able to work in the backyard.  But every time I do, in the late night hours, your image comes to mind, the one where I found you.  It's horrible and I want to cry. Scream. Rewind. But none of those are possible, or productive.

"No matter the hardship nor the loss, Never stand down. Ever."

That's kinda where I'm at.  I know that no matter what I do, it won't change anything.  I can sit around and mope, cry, scream, or hit something.  But the real fact is you're not coming back.  You won't just wander through the front door and say "Hey Ma" any more.  Every day I make a little more peace with that.  It's a process, and sometimes a struggle, but I can.  Because you asked me to.

Since "projects" are what keep me sane at home, I bought a gallon of paint and started painting the baseboards and doors.  It's been five years since I did it last -- where does the time go ??  I got the 5 doors in the hallway done, the front door and the baseboards all along the front wall.  It helps.  And looks good at the same time!

You kept odd bits of mail and stuff, and every now and then I'll read one.  Sometimes it's only a page or two of an incomplete letter.  But here's the gist of the one I read today:  The GF was wrong for you on so many levels.  Alcohol I can understand more than I can the drugs.  But anything to excess is bad.  And you can't fix that for anyone (except yourself if that's your problem).  It's like pulling a wagon up hill -- you can't do it by yourself all the time without stopping for a break.  And a person who abuses drugs or alcohol usually adds weight to the wagon you're trying to pull, and it becomes too much to bear.  If only I had known.  But I can't second guess at this point. 

I can only try and ease my own pains now.  Mostly by writing you letters, or writing your little stories out.  You led quite the amusing life :)  You will be forever missed by me.  You were the reason behind most of my decisions, from where this house is located, to how to make sure it'll be paid for so you would always have a place to live.  I pray that you've found peace, son.

Love,
Mom